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Last night, I went to see the thrilling new movie "Underpants", starring Kate Beckinsale and Trent Reznor as himself.Taking place in the abandoned Batman sets on Warner Bros' backlot, "Underpants" tells the story of an age old battle between clans of Goths and Rivetheads, each side battling the other in an endless orgy of death, destruction, flailing limbs, makeup, and Front 242 songs....no, wait, that was last Wednesday night at Nocturne...
"Underpants" tells the story of an age old battle between vampires and werewolves, in a world where the sun has apparently never risen since the year 600 and Hot Topic is the only retail outlet within a 900 mile radius. No one knows why the vampires and werewolves hate each other, but it probably has something to do with the fact that only the vampires know why Count Chocula is actually a Part of This Complete Breakfast. Into this world, enters Wendy...er Selene, a vampire assassin trained to exterminate the werewolves by ripping off John Woo movies. As our story begins, we find Selene hunting...probably just for somebody wearing something white before she dies of boredom. But, lo and behold, it's breakin' lose in TULSA, as she spots some werewolves following Trent Reznor in the subway!! They follow them down the stairs, and it's on!! Here we learn that the vampires and werewolves are also trained NINJAS!! Or at least they can spin around really cool. And that werewolves, in reality, look like the Wolfman from Scooby-Doo.
Selene finds out the werewolves can now shoot liquid sunlight from their guns or something, and goes back to some mansion where a bunch of LARPERS are hanging out. Selene uses Celerity 4 to piss off her master Kraven (ha ha, get it, the asshole vampire is called KRAVEN..BRILLIANT!!), then goes out looking for Trent Reznor and the Sabbat Player's Guide.
Meanwhile, the werewolves, who are apparently led by Jesus Christ, also go off in search of Trent. This, of course, leads to more spinning around and shooting...and shooting...and spinning around. Selene manages an escape by shooting out the floor, which, the floor being that crappy, at least clarifies that the movie is taking place in West Philly. Trent and Selene get away, but not before Trent gets bitten by Jesus. Jesus then becomes the T1000 and chases Selene's car because Trent's blood has now made him Part of This Complete Breakfast.
Selene goes back to the LARP. Selene's female friend checks out Trent, realizes Trent smells of Frankenberry, and then jumps up on the wall and humps the ceiling. Trent runs way, remembering he's not Marilyn Manson. Kraven is pissed for some reason. You can tell because Kraven GRIMACES! And says stuff like "You're gonna PAY!" That means he's mad, if you didn't get it.
Selene thinks Kraven is in league with the vampires, and reawakens Grandpa Munster, the vampire's Lord, who is apparently entombed in Doctor Who's TARDIS every couple centuries or so.
Trent gets kidnapped by Jesus. Selene gets in trouble for disobeying orders, and tells Kraven she knows the truth. Kraven shows RAGE, and looks for all the world like he's taking a gigantic Dump of the Undead in his pants. Seriously, where'd they find this guy? Captain Lou Albano wasn't available? Selene promptly escapes, and goes in search for a plot to the movie.
This then leads to Selene driving in the rain (if you look close enough, you can see Morpheus and Neo driving the other way) and then a fight where werewolves climb on walls in a dark place, and Selene shoots guns and spins around, which then leads to Selene driving in the rain, and then a fight where werewolves climb on walls in a dark place, Selene shoots guns and spins around and this leads to Selene driving in the rain, and then a fight...aw fuck, I'll just let some someone more experienced summarize this...
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...FIVE!!! FIVE UNINSPIRED ACTION SEQUENCES WITH NO SOUL WHATSOEVER!! HAHAHA HAAAA!!! I LOVE TO COUNT THE CRAP IN THIS MOVIE!!!
You know a movie is bad when it somehow manages to make you SICK of seeing action sequences.
In case you're wondering, apparently Trent possesses some rare genetic marker Jesus is planning on using to make himself the first vampire-werewolf hybrid, and thus irrestible to every 300 lb. goth chick on the planet. This is told to the vampires by Col. Klink. Also, Grandpa Munster started the war by killing Jesus's wife. And Selene and Trent love each other...because they both write such beautiful poems about suicide...the fuck if I know. I'm supposed to care about any of these souless automatons? About the only character even remotely interesting is the big black werewolf dude, and that's only because he sounds like the Swamp Thing.
This finally leads up to an interminable finale of yep, you guessed it, werewolves running along walls and Selene spinning and shooting 2000 bullets at them. Also, everybody betrays everybody else. Whoops, the big black werewolf dude's gonna take on the Vampire Lord...well, FUCK, this movie is BEYOND redemption now!!! BURN IN HELL, WRITERS OF "UNDERPANTS!"
Anyway, Selene bites Trent, giving him vampire blood, making Trent Part of This Complete Breakfast. Trent turns into Nightcrawler, and now has the awesome power of vampires and werewolves COMBINED, and goes to take on the Vampire Lord...
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so, of course, Grandpa Munster kicks his ass....
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...
...
Ok.
Luckily, Selene attacks Grandpa Munster with a sword and rolls a 20, and cuts his head off. Selene and Trent look at each other, then walk away to go find their paychecks. And there's something about setting up a sequel..yeah, may the gods save me...
"Underpants" was everything I'd thought it'd be: i.e., a steaming pile of Gothic turds. This movie might have been good, if it had an editor, a plot, and you know, ACTORS. I suggest Hulk Hogan.
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