I love Roger Ebert.

[theweaselking]

The movie has been "inspired by" the famous video game. No, I haven't played it, and I never will, but I know how it feels not to play it, because I've seen the movie. "Doom" is like some kid came over and is using your computer and won't let you play.

[...]

The monsters are still there on Mars. They are big mothers and must have awesome daily caloric requirements. How they survive, how they breathe earth atmosphere in the station and what, as carnivores, they eat and drink -- I think we can all agree these are questions deserving serious scientific study.

Meanwhile, their pastime is chasing humans, grabbing them, smashing them, eviscerating and disemboweling them, pulling them through grates, and in general doing anything that can take place obscurely in shadows and not require a lot of special effects.

Toward the end of the movie, there is a lengthy point-of-view shot looking forward over the barrel of a large weapon as it tracks the corridors of the research station. Monsters jump out from behind things and are blasted to death, in a sequence that abandons all attempts at character and dialogue and uncannily resembles a video game. Later, when the names of the actors appear on the screen, they are also blasted into little pieces. I forget whether the director, Andrzej Bartkowiak, had his name shot to smithereens, but for the DVD, I recommend that a monster grab it and eat it.

Comments

[eididdy.livejournal.com]

Adding further credence to my cinematic rule #1: Never go see a movie based on a video game. There is a 99% it will suck.

(#2 is "Never see a movie featuring Kate Beckinsale and vampires as there is a 100% chance of it sucking" but that one is not applicable to this coversation. Oh well, maybe we can get that one in around January.)

[theweaselking.livejournal.com]

I think it's actually significantly lower than 99% - after all, Mortal Kombat didn't totally suck, and there haven't *been* 99 other video game movies.

Yet.

Your statistic may BECOME true, given enough time.

[jirel.livejournal.com]

The movie was badly panned in our newspaper. They said the video game is a lot better and had more plot.

[stormfeather.livejournal.com]

Dude, no one's mentioned Advent Children yet?

Okay okay, so it's technically not out in the U.S. yet, but come ON.

[theweaselking.livejournal.com]

Everything I've seen indicates that Advent Children is an hour long Square music video, not a movie - and in the reviews, everyone who *hadn't* played Final Fantasy VII thought it was indecipherable crap.

This is perhaps not signs that it will reverse the trend.

Besides, Uwe Boll still lives. All video game movies will be tainted while this is the case.

[stormfeather.livejournal.com]

Tch. It wasn't MEANT for people who haven't played Final Fantasy VII. And it's a lot more than an hour long music video. (It's an hour and forty minutes or so, for starters.)

[spartonian.livejournal.com]

Serious Sam would make for a better movie.

[toku666.livejournal.com]

I've played Final Fantasy VII, as well as all the others, several times.

I thought "Advent Children" sucked. The fights were decent, and interesting, up until Tifa's big scene, and then the movie, and the fight scenes, went straight down the crapper, and the final sequence was SO FUCKING RIDICULOUS that I couldn't stop laughing for about ten minutes.

[eididdy.livejournal.com]

Uh, everything I saw involving Mortal Kombat blew dead bears, to steal from you.

I say 99% because there could possibly be a good one, but I haven't seen it.

[toku666.livejournal.com]

Well, crap, let's figure it out. Add to the list as necessary:

Super Mario Brothers
DOOM
Bloodrayne
Alone in the Dark
House of the Dead
Advent Children
Mortal Kombat
Mortal Kombat 2: Annihilation

[theweaselking.livejournal.com]

The original one. Christopher Lambert as Raiden, "A handful of people on a leaky boat are gonig to save the world", Kano was Australian.

The sequel sucked more ass than any other non-Uwe Boll movie ever, but the original was an action film based on a video game that didn't totally suck.

[theweaselking.livejournal.com]

Star Wars: The Phantom Menace (Oh, it is. It SO is. The entire pod race scene existed solely so they could make a pod race video game.)

I take it we're not counting "Hunter: The Reckoning" yet? And yes, it DOES count, because Boll bought the movie rights to the H:tR *video game*, not the RPG.

I'm also almost willing to include Dungeons And Dragons and Underworld on this list and make the list title "movies based on games" - but that adds "Frailty" on the positive side of things.

[caerlas.livejournal.com]

Don't forget:
Double Dragon (yes they made a movie of it)
Street Fighter (Animated AND live action)
Tomb Raider I and II

[harald387.livejournal.com]

Resident Evil
Resident Evil: Apocalypse

[harald387.livejournal.com]

In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0460780/)
Far Cry (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0400426/)

Okay, they're not out - or even made - yet, but they'll suck.

-K

[jchance.livejournal.com]

I actually liked Van Helsing. It was silly as hell--but it was fun, and I had to give it props for including a Frankenstein's Monster with elements of the original book version.

[spartonian.livejournal.com]

The dress Beckinsale wore, and seeing her in it, while dancing was worth the price of admission.

[theweaselking.livejournal.com]

If you've seen Frailty, you've seen the way "Hunter: The Reckoning" the RPG is supposed to work.

If you've ever seen "Knights Of The Dinner Table" playing Hackmaster, you've seen how Hunter: The Reckoning *actually* works in practice.

[theweaselking.livejournal.com]

"Frailty" is a movie with Bill Paxton and Matthew McConnaghey. It's excellent, check it out some time.

Knights Of The Dinner Table is a comic about a gaming group. They've got samples on the web (http://www.kenzerco.com/periodicals/kodt/kodtonline_current.php), but it's mostly a pen and paper thing. Hackmaster is a mockery of Dungeons And Dragons.

Basically, it's hey-I've-got-superpowers kill-the-monsters-and-collect-the-treasure gaming. Hunter: The Reckoning was a huge disappointment to people who expected a "hunter" game to be about normal, mortal people dealing with the supernatural. They expected Call Of Cthulhu and got Werewolf D20.

[eididdy.livejournal.com]

Christopher Lambert as Raiden, the Japanese god of thunder and lightning? That's really all you needed to say. Let's have Chow Yun Phat as Thor next...

I never say anything about the video games themselves, they may or may not suck, but movies based around them suck 99% of the time.

[eididdy.livejournal.com]

Van Helsing was horrible.

[eididdy.livejournal.com]

No it wasn't.

[eididdy.livejournal.com]

Is this the movie and scene where they threw the guy up the building around 400 times so that he could duel with some monster?

[caerlas.livejournal.com]

oh yeah, and that winner of a film
Ballistic: Ecks Vs. Sever

[dscotton.livejournal.com]

There was also a Wing Commander movie, I believe. And while note technically based on a video game, The Wizard deserves mention for essentially being a video game ad in movie form.

[pope-guilty.livejournal.com]

Speaking as someone with a shelf full of Hunter books and a grasp of how hunter tied into the overarching metaplot of the World of Darkness, you don't have a clue of what you speak

[toku666.livejournal.com]

Yes, yes it is and I jokingly called out the final person that would "boost" him to the duel, and, well, then it happened, and I started laughing.

[theweaselking.livejournal.com]

Two important questions:

1. Did you expect H:tR to be about normal, mortal people dealing with the supernatural?

2. Were you surprised and/or disappointed when it was YET ANOTHER game about randomly chosen people who gained superpowers?

And "how it tied in"? By being mechanically and thematically incompatible, and incapable of interracting well because of this? Oh, yeah, that's GREAT.

I have nothing particularly against Hunter. I just don't see why I'd ever want to use Hunter when I could use the functionally identical Werewolf, Vampire, Mage, or Fae[1].

[1]: Not Changeling. Changeling was shit. Fae was Changeling with all the suck taken out.

[pope-guilty.livejournal.com]

I expected nothing in particular, and wasn't upset that White Wolf didn't give me what I baselessly expected. It ties into the greater metaplot that links Exalted with the old WoD. The game, when played according to the books, plays nothing like Werewolf or Vampire. I can't speak to Fae, as I largely ignored Dark Ages, and Mage could be played in a similar way, but isn't really set up for it.

Did you read any of the books?

[theweaselking.livejournal.com]

> wasn't upset that White Wolf didn't give me what I baselessly
> expected

Whereas I *was* upset that White Wolf didn't give me something *different*, and their misleading "take back the night" advertising and the "hunter" name implied that this would be a book about *humans*.

Yay, yet another game about greater-than-human people with superpowers that come with a potentially spoooooooky cost to your mind and soul! Boy, we've never seen THAT before! Oooh, this time, instead of being out to get or be gotten by a full set of custom new baddies, now they're out to get... all the other previous games AND a full set of new custom baddies!

> It ties into the greater metaplot that links Exalted with the old
> WoD.

Ah, right, the Worst Idea Ever. Luckily, it had nothing to do with the *actual* WoD games, and, since it was so totally incompatible, didn't come up much.

> The game, when played according to the books, plays nothing like
> Werewolf or Vampire.

Incorrect. It plays exactly like first edition Vampire, with the concept that you're probably insane already and getting progressively worse replacing the beast. It plays substantially like first edition Werewolf if you get a group of PCs who work together more often than not.

> Did you read any of the books?

Hunter: The Reckoning.

[rimrunner.livejournal.com]

Yes, it was.

Unless you take it as a comedy. Then it's fucking gold.