(no subject)
May. 14th, 2006 04:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
theweaselkingJesus
Jesus H. Christ (1-33 C.E.) invented Christianity during a Spring Break road trip to Jerusalem in the company of his friends. Jerusalem, though, had been the site of severe Spring Break disturbances during the previous year, and the local authorities took a dim view of anyone starting a new religion.
Beyond the fact that Christians really, really like him, scholars, historians, and professional athletes can agree on little else. Some maintain that Jesus was a secular revolutionary who never intended to found a religion; others that Jesus was perfectly conscious of his mission, and that the Bible is a reliable guide to his earthly ministry. Others go very far in their rejection of traditional Christian interpretations of Jesus, to the point of suggesting he never existed; still others, confusingly, insist that Jesus did exist, we're just not aware of it yet. And finally others say his name wasn't Jesus at all, but rather Josh.
Here are thumbnail views of what the major Christian denominations believe about Jesus:
THE ORTHODOX believe that Jesus is both God and Son of God, fully God and fully human, coeternal with the other two Persons of the Trinity, and that his death on the cross provides the means by which human beings can attain salvation.
CATHOLICS believe pretty much the same thing as the Orthodox, but add that Jesus has chosen the pope to be team captain.
LUTHERANS believe pretty much the same thing as the Orthodox, but believe that under no circumstances would Jesus ever choose a creep like the pope to be team captain.
UNITARIANS believe Jesus was a dedicated social worker; the first feminist; the first environmentalist; the first advocate of tolerance between all human beings; who nonetheless managed to enrage the Roman government to the point where it killed him by nailing him to a tree.
ANGLICANS believe essentially what Catholics, Orthodox, and Lutherans believe, but argue that if God did choose a team captain, it probably would have been C.S. Lewis.
FUNDAMENTALISTS believe that everything God wanted us to do is spelled out in easy to understand detail in the book he wrote, except the part about the Eucharist, which was obviously a case of God being a bit fanciful.
THE AMISH believe that it's time to stop making fun of them for riding in horse-drawn buggies instead of cars, and point out that the Mennonites are much bigger bunch of tools.
METHODISTS believe that the Wesley Brothers wrote such awesome songs it necessitated secession from the Church of England.
PURITANS believe you're going to hell, and they're kind of happy about it.
THE JUSTICE LEAGE OF AMERICA believes the Joker will stop at nothing to rob Gotham Central Bank, and fears he has enlisted Lex Luthor to help him.
==========================
From![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
holyoffice's Cheat Sheet to Christianity
Jesus H. Christ (1-33 C.E.) invented Christianity during a Spring Break road trip to Jerusalem in the company of his friends. Jerusalem, though, had been the site of severe Spring Break disturbances during the previous year, and the local authorities took a dim view of anyone starting a new religion.
Beyond the fact that Christians really, really like him, scholars, historians, and professional athletes can agree on little else. Some maintain that Jesus was a secular revolutionary who never intended to found a religion; others that Jesus was perfectly conscious of his mission, and that the Bible is a reliable guide to his earthly ministry. Others go very far in their rejection of traditional Christian interpretations of Jesus, to the point of suggesting he never existed; still others, confusingly, insist that Jesus did exist, we're just not aware of it yet. And finally others say his name wasn't Jesus at all, but rather Josh.
Here are thumbnail views of what the major Christian denominations believe about Jesus:
THE ORTHODOX believe that Jesus is both God and Son of God, fully God and fully human, coeternal with the other two Persons of the Trinity, and that his death on the cross provides the means by which human beings can attain salvation.
CATHOLICS believe pretty much the same thing as the Orthodox, but add that Jesus has chosen the pope to be team captain.
LUTHERANS believe pretty much the same thing as the Orthodox, but believe that under no circumstances would Jesus ever choose a creep like the pope to be team captain.
UNITARIANS believe Jesus was a dedicated social worker; the first feminist; the first environmentalist; the first advocate of tolerance between all human beings; who nonetheless managed to enrage the Roman government to the point where it killed him by nailing him to a tree.
ANGLICANS believe essentially what Catholics, Orthodox, and Lutherans believe, but argue that if God did choose a team captain, it probably would have been C.S. Lewis.
FUNDAMENTALISTS believe that everything God wanted us to do is spelled out in easy to understand detail in the book he wrote, except the part about the Eucharist, which was obviously a case of God being a bit fanciful.
THE AMISH believe that it's time to stop making fun of them for riding in horse-drawn buggies instead of cars, and point out that the Mennonites are much bigger bunch of tools.
METHODISTS believe that the Wesley Brothers wrote such awesome songs it necessitated secession from the Church of England.
PURITANS believe you're going to hell, and they're kind of happy about it.
THE JUSTICE LEAGE OF AMERICA believes the Joker will stop at nothing to rob Gotham Central Bank, and fears he has enlisted Lex Luthor to help him.
==========================
From
holyoffice's Cheat Sheet to Christianity
(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-15 03:55 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-16 07:15 am (UTC)