I-Mockery takes on Frank Miller.

[theweaselking]

"When I first heard that Frank Miller was doing a new series for DC's new line of books called All Star Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder (with Jim Lee on art duties), I was very excited to see what he would bring us. After all, he's the man responsible for what most people consider the two most important Batman stories ever told (Year One and The Dark Knight Returns). So I knew we'd be in for a real treat.

Only thing is, I didn't realize what kind of treat we'd be in for. You see, All Star Batman is so unbelievably awful a book, after I read the first issue, I thought there must've been some kind of mistake. I mean, Frank's written some stinkers in his day (see the issue of Spawn he wrote), but he's always done good by Batman. Maybe he was rushed, I thought. Maybe he'd been smoking crack. Maybe the fame from Sin City had gone to his head. Or maybe he got roped into writing a book that he didn't really want to write. There had to be some explanation.

But the next issue shipped. And it was even worse. Not only was each subsequent issue worse than the one before, but it shipped later than the one before. The fourth (and most recent) issue was so late there were rumors going around that Frank Miller had heard all the criticism of the book and was taking great pains to rewrite and improve his script. Well, after reading the fourth issue, I'm here to tell you that those ugly rumors are simply not true."


Bruce Wayne. Billionaire, playboy, creepy boy watcher.







" let's think about three important words here. "Fifteen hours ago". That means one of two things. Clark Kent either drank this carton of milk fifteen hours before Dick Grayson was kidnapped by Batman, and thus it is a magical prescient carton of milk, OR it's actually been a long enough ride in the Batmobile for Dick to have been reported missing, for his name to get to the missing persons groups, for them to submit his information to the milk company, for the milk company to print the cartons, distribute the cartons, and then for Clark Kent to go to the grocery store and buy the carton of milk. Let's see, by my rough estimate, that means that Batman and Dick have been on the way to the Batcave for, oh, about FIVE FUCKING WEEKS now. "


PS: Hey, eididdy: Batman still sucks.

Comments

[eididdy.livejournal.com]

That's because you see Adam West in everything with a bat on it. Who could possibly come back from that?

[drjamez.livejournal.com]

Adam West is a Bat-God. If it wasn't for him... it would have been Lyle Wagoner in the role. No, really. I'm serious. Lyle wasn't bad on Carol Burnett or even in Wonder Woman also produced by some of the same folk who brought you Batman, but still....

Anyone catch the downhill charity ski race between Adam West and Michael Keaton in the early 90's? Almost as absurd as West's Batman.

And don't forget the Batusi... the dance with moves stolen for Pulp Fiction and, subsequently, stolen in almost every other Tarintino homage or dance reference in later flicks across the board.

And once, Adam West saved a kitten from a blender. Or maybe it was a hamster. I forget.

- James -

[hadesflower.livejournal.com]

batman doesn't suck, these particular batman comics suck totatlly diffrent

[vagabond27.livejournal.com]

2nded

[thormation.livejournal.com]

I agree. Batman sucks like an overclocked Hoover.

[torrain.livejournal.com]

I realize I-Mockery might not read comics as much as I do, but they still seem to be missing a fairly basic convention of captioning.

Namely, captions apply to the *panel*, and are not assumed to be present on the objects depicted therein.

Metropolis / Fifteen hours ago..." indicates Mr, Kent saw the milk carton and lost his temper fifteen hours ago. The milk carton is not claiming that Grayson went missing fifteen hours ago, Clark Kent's hand did not pop into existence fifteen hours ago, and furthermore, if you see a panel depicting Alfred reading about the crucifiction in the Gutenberg Bible with the caption "Batcave / Fifteen hours ago..." it does not damn well mean that it is a rare and strange printing claiming that Christ died on the cross fifteen hours ago or that he's reading a prescient edition which contains a reference to the Batcave.

Thank you.

(It's little things like this which lead me to doubt the quality of a review.)

[theweaselking.livejournal.com]

You don't understand.

Dick Grayson was happily with his family.
Then they got shot and Batman kidnapped him.
He's CURRENTLY IN THE BATMOBILE WITH BATMAN driving to the batcave. *maybe* two hours have passed since the kidnapping.
And then, "fifteen hours ago", Clark Kent sees his picture on a milk carton.

As the reviewer says, this means that either the milk carton people SEE THE FUTURE and print Missing Child notices BEFORE THE CHILDREN GO MISSING, or else Batman has been driving from downtown Gotham to the Batcave for ROUGHLY A MONTH.

[torrain.livejournal.com]

Of course I don't understand.

There's no link to the review and any context it might have provided, and nothing to indicate that the conversation about the Batmobile happened at the same time as the milk carton being displayed. The panels are out of order, unless there was a Batmobile ride, then Grayson hanging out with his family, and then *another* Batmobile ride.

(Now, admittedly, it looks fully as bad as the review says. But i couldn't tell that from what was there.)

[theweaselking.livejournal.com]

Crap! I knew I forgot something.

Link's there now.

[eididdy.livejournal.com]

Main article: http://www.i-mockery.com/comics/longbox7/default.php

I'd just like to say that I am getting this series posthaste as it looks completely hilarious.

[theweaselking.livejournal.com]

Until you posted that, I didn't realise I'd forgotten to actually link the article.

Sorry.

[eididdy.livejournal.com]

Dammit, I feel ripped off. It's nowhere near as funny as they made it out to be.

I got 1, 3, and 4 and they only mention Dick's age twice. All the age stuff must be in issue 2. Some of the other stuff, when seen in context, is less funny too. For instance, the thing about the milk carton becomes less weird when you think that maybe Dick's "parents" weren't actually his parents or he's been missing longer than what we've seen. I still have no idea why that or the paper makes Superman so psychotic that he starts crushing things and laser blasting his paper. Perhaps he wanted Dick Grayson (age 12) for his sex dungeon. Superman abruptly switches from mad to helping Insaneman...uh Batman because Bats had Alfred drop the fact that he knew Supe's secret identity.

The Viki Vale stuff is totally hilarious though, as is the Black Canary issue and the Gotham cops beating the shit out of everything that moves. The Rodney King moment they almost have with Dick Grayson (age 12) is precious, and I think he totally undersold the Viki Vale scenes. "Like, omigod" is the understatement of the year when it comes to those scenes...

All in all, not worth it on any scale. Not even close to a good story and not funny enough to read for the car accident value.

[corruptedjasper.livejournal.com]

Uh... batman is supposed to be this regular guy (one who works out, admittedly, but still), with some minor tech-aids, isn't he? Has that changed somehow in this series?

[theweaselking.livejournal.com]

It hasn't changed. That's SUPERMAN, not Batman, running across the Atlantic to get a detective from France to save Vicki Vale's life after she is injured in a car accident, and carrying the man (in his car) back across the Atlantic again.

And he's forgotten how murderously angry he was at Batman just a few pages earlier (when he read the prescient milk carton) and now he's Batman's errand boy again.

The sad thing is, I'm not making this up.

[eididdy.livejournal.com]

1) He didn't forget, he was being blackmailed.
2) The milk carton is not necessarily "presceient" unless you know for a fact that the entire story takes place "on screen."
3) Ekhart is quite possibly not a detective at all. The story is quite clearly deviating from standard DC script.

No, you're not making it up, you're just missing some details. Really, there's enough wrong with this story without you taking everything written on I-Mockery as gospel.

[corruptedjasper.livejournal.com]

Ah, it's superman. And he's taking to walking on water rather than flying or swimming because... it looks cool?

[silmaril.livejournal.com]

I made it until the point Superman was running across the Atlantic.

Superman. Running. Across the Atlantic.

The FAA didn't approve his flight plan in time, or what?

[silmaril.livejournal.com]

...and two paragraphs later he's running carrying a guy in a car, and I'm dying laughing because I can't get "Stirifé Deliveree Serivices, we deliver anything..." out of my head in Tifa's accent, and the reviewer notes the utter lack of flying, too.

This is hilarious.