Disturbing Phrase Contest!

[theweaselking]

A contest, with Fabulous Prizes(tm): Come up with the most disturbing phrase from pornography written about(and by) anthropomorphic automobiles.

"Man, I'd like to floor that Mustang in the tailpipe!"

Comments

[ryusen.livejournal.com]

"I'd love to lubricate those twin turbos."

[drjamez.livejournal.com]

"I'd grease her up between her headlights."

"Dude, she's blinking her tail-light at you... she wants it in her trunk, bad."

"I'd let her suck the chrome off of MY bumper any day."

"A little more... yeah... that's it... damnit, you bastard, stick that shifter in!!!"

"Oh, hello ladies... no, I've never had a black car and a Japanese one at the same time before...."

"She got me so hot I was burnin' rubber everywhere. Unsafe at any speed, I know, but... daaaaaamn, did I need to Probe that Ford!"

Hot golden shower

[frith]

Engine purring seductively, Millie the Miata crawled on top of Pete Porche's crumpled chassis. His cracked cylinder head gurgled helplessly as her Goodyears rolled up his hood and came to a rest on his shattered windshield. She slowly loosened her oil-pan nut. Hot oil dripped onto the Porche's hood. The rivulets hugged the contours, pooled in the dents and drained through the holes to mix with the puddle of gasoline below.

Re: Hot golden shower

[waterspyder.livejournal.com]

You are sick.

Re: Hot golden shower

[frith]

I rule! X-D

Re: Hot golden shower

[waterspyder.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that too.

It's still creepy.

Re: Hot golden shower

[frith]

I was aiming for creepy/disturbing. That's what King Weasel asked for (although my effort wasn't a phrase). I was afraid it wouldn't be gross enough, but I guess it hit the mark. ^_^

Re: Hot golden shower

[torrain.livejournal.com]

If you can get rid of four of those periods, I think you've got a Bulwer-Lytton winner.

Re: Hot golden shower

[frith]

As I doubt that you are suggesting that I put the Miata on birth-control, I will google the Bulwer-Lytton reference later...

It was a dark and stormy night...

[frith]

Ah, I see. Replacing the periods with semi-colons (or other forms of punctuation) wouldn't be sufficient to warrant favorable comparison to that over-stuffed pompous drivel as there are no tangents or asides, such as explanations as to what wrecked the Porche and observations on the climate (it was dry, you realize, dry and hot, as it was during a mid-August dry spell, one of those torrid summer days where the roads are just slick with melted asphalt); not that it would have mattered much to the Porche -- after all, he was caught between a pool of flammable liquid and a rapidly over-heating Miata, a car he'd only just met a few miles down the road in Motorway at an all-night gas-bar.

Re: It was a dark and stormy night...

[torrain.livejournal.com]

I was intending it more as a reference to this. I have the "Son of a Dark and Stormy Night" collection, and it always makes me smile. Pages and pages of lines like "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved.", although "We'd made it through yet another nuclear winter and the lawn had just trapped and eaten its first robin." always comes most easily to mind.

(The above is also a good one, BTW.)

Re: It was a dark and stormy night...

[frith]

Cool! That robin one is great, but I also liked this one by Randy Blanton:

Because of her mysterious ways I was fascinated with Dorothy and I wondered if she would ever consider having a relationship with a lion, but I have to admit that most of my attention was directed at her little dog Toto because, after all, he was a source of meat protein and I had had enough of those damn flying monkeys.

Hot golden shower (rewrite)

[frith]

Engine purring seductively, Millie the Miata crawled on top of Pete Porche's crumpled chassis. His cracked cylinder head gurgled helplessly as her Goodyears rolled up his hood and came to a rest on his shattered windshield. She slowly loosened her oil-pan nut. His electric starter whined and sparked frantically as her hot oil dribbled onto his hood, pooled in the dents and drained through the holes to mix with the puddle of gasoline below.

(Rewritten to improve the flow of words and to make the outcome more apparent.)