Blade: Trinity
Dec. 12th, 2004 02:14 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
theweaselkingMan, this movie was great, in so many bad ways.
Imagine, for a moment, the ultimate battle between good and evil. On the side of good, you have Mike Tyson's Favourite Punching Bag, Rocket Robin Hood, and Chris Rock's Bleached Twin (a character deserving of a much better movie).
On the side of eeeeevil, you have Derek Zoolander, Totally Vampire Barbie, and reigning WWE Champion Triple Ken.
No, I'm not joking.
The story is pretty simple. Totally Vampire Barbie needed Derek Zoolander to complete her Dream Home Playset, so she and Triple Ken go to Syria and dug him up. Then she tries to keep the Punching Bag out of the Dream Home by getting the cops involved - and she does this by simply pointing out to them that, hey, he's been killing people by the HUNDREDS for two sequels so far, so they arrest him. Then, since Barbie is apparently a Bond villain, she gets *rid* of all the cops who've worked so well so far, lets the Punching Bag out of his escape-proof shackles, and is then surprised when Chris Rock and Rocket Robin Hood help him escape. Tee-hee! Uh-oh, Barbie!
Barbie then spends a few minutes pouting and kicking Skipper in the head. No, I'm not joking.
Then Derek Zoolander decides to taunt the Punching Bag by THROWING BABIES AT HIM. No, I'm not joking.
The Punching Bag and Rocket Robin Hood discover that vampires are shrinkwrapping homeless people and storing them, which involves a pretty neat concept that could, on it's own, power a whole other movie. Then this is forgotten, but while they're out, Derek Zoolander kills or kidnaps every other character in the movie. Totally Vampire Barbie is happy, because apparently the Dream Home was also missing Chris Rock. By the way, Triple Ken, you REALLY should avoid the "I have no penis" statements. No, really. We know you're a featureless lump, but, dude, we don't need to HEAR about it.
And then there are the flying vampire dogs (every good movie has those), and the endless hordes of HUMAN vampires who, realising that all their enemies are armed with melee weapons that kill instantly on the slightest scratch, charge madly into hand-to-hand combat to show off their kung fu.
Triple Ken and Chris Rock fight for a while, then Chris punches Triple Ken in the head with a sunlight bullet and Ken's poor, plastic head explodes.
Rocket Robin Hood and the Punching Bag inflict their deadly disease-carrying sperm upon Derek Zoolander, which causes all remaining characters in the movie to die from magic vampire-killing sperm beetles.
No, I'm still not joking.
Meanwhile, Chris Rock disillusions Barbie of all her hopes of EVER completing her Dream Home.
And then there were credits. Lots of credits.
There were many good things about this movie. They were, I admit, relatively minor good things, but they were good things. Barbie's Sidekick Who Isn't Triple Ken Or Derek Zoolander, for example, when asked incredulously "You made a vampire POMERANIAN?", replies simply with a gargantuan, mouth-open excited grin and really rabid head-nodding. He just looks so HAPPY! Then there was Triple Ken with a picture-perfect Drozkiller on Chris Rock's Bleached Twin. And the vampire dogs. The flying vampire dogs. I really, really can't mention those often enough. FLYING VAMPIRE DOGS.
By the way, if a small, yappy dog goes out a 25th story window, does that make it a Pom Pilot?
Imagine, for a moment, the ultimate battle between good and evil. On the side of good, you have Mike Tyson's Favourite Punching Bag, Rocket Robin Hood, and Chris Rock's Bleached Twin (a character deserving of a much better movie).
On the side of eeeeevil, you have Derek Zoolander, Totally Vampire Barbie, and reigning WWE Champion Triple Ken.
No, I'm not joking.
The story is pretty simple. Totally Vampire Barbie needed Derek Zoolander to complete her Dream Home Playset, so she and Triple Ken go to Syria and dug him up. Then she tries to keep the Punching Bag out of the Dream Home by getting the cops involved - and she does this by simply pointing out to them that, hey, he's been killing people by the HUNDREDS for two sequels so far, so they arrest him. Then, since Barbie is apparently a Bond villain, she gets *rid* of all the cops who've worked so well so far, lets the Punching Bag out of his escape-proof shackles, and is then surprised when Chris Rock and Rocket Robin Hood help him escape. Tee-hee! Uh-oh, Barbie!
Barbie then spends a few minutes pouting and kicking Skipper in the head. No, I'm not joking.
Then Derek Zoolander decides to taunt the Punching Bag by THROWING BABIES AT HIM. No, I'm not joking.
The Punching Bag and Rocket Robin Hood discover that vampires are shrinkwrapping homeless people and storing them, which involves a pretty neat concept that could, on it's own, power a whole other movie. Then this is forgotten, but while they're out, Derek Zoolander kills or kidnaps every other character in the movie. Totally Vampire Barbie is happy, because apparently the Dream Home was also missing Chris Rock. By the way, Triple Ken, you REALLY should avoid the "I have no penis" statements. No, really. We know you're a featureless lump, but, dude, we don't need to HEAR about it.
And then there are the flying vampire dogs (every good movie has those), and the endless hordes of HUMAN vampires who, realising that all their enemies are armed with melee weapons that kill instantly on the slightest scratch, charge madly into hand-to-hand combat to show off their kung fu.
Triple Ken and Chris Rock fight for a while, then Chris punches Triple Ken in the head with a sunlight bullet and Ken's poor, plastic head explodes.
Rocket Robin Hood and the Punching Bag inflict their deadly disease-carrying sperm upon Derek Zoolander, which causes all remaining characters in the movie to die from magic vampire-killing sperm beetles.
No, I'm still not joking.
Meanwhile, Chris Rock disillusions Barbie of all her hopes of EVER completing her Dream Home.
And then there were credits. Lots of credits.
There were many good things about this movie. They were, I admit, relatively minor good things, but they were good things. Barbie's Sidekick Who Isn't Triple Ken Or Derek Zoolander, for example, when asked incredulously "You made a vampire POMERANIAN?", replies simply with a gargantuan, mouth-open excited grin and really rabid head-nodding. He just looks so HAPPY! Then there was Triple Ken with a picture-perfect Drozkiller on Chris Rock's Bleached Twin. And the vampire dogs. The flying vampire dogs. I really, really can't mention those often enough. FLYING VAMPIRE DOGS.
By the way, if a small, yappy dog goes out a 25th story window, does that make it a Pom Pilot?