The best ham sandwich is a fresh, soft white bread roll with a slightly crunchy crust, split in half, with cucumber, sweet onion, several folded[1] slices of ham, and a dollop of A1 sauce. Salt and pepper is optional, as is tomato. For extra awesomeness but totally not required, add a thin layer of sliced Jalapeno Havarti cheese.
[1]: This causes there to be air inside the sandwich. This makes it taste better than a solid block of ham. NOBODY KNOWS WHY! But it's true.
In the studies of Dr. Arthur P. Prosciutto, 1959, he discovered that the reason for ham tasting beter folded is really quite simple. Ham molecules (aka Hamecules) oxidize quickly, and the reaction results in the formation of Delicious Protein Bonds. The more surface to air exposure present, the more Delicious Bonds form.
Mathematically, however, the single point of taste in white bread rolls provides a flavor that only improves the overall sandwich by a single degree. General wheat breads most often improve the flavor to a degree of 2, generally in the scope of x^2 + 4x - 5. Whole wheat breads with full berries of wheat exponentially add up to improvements of degrees of five and six as according to the level of their complex carbohydrate count. Other complex breads such as ryes and pumpernickels provide a complex equation that time and lack of a graphing calculator to not currently allow me to introduce.
Generally, iceberg lettuce provides an interesting texture to the sandwich that stimulates the jaw muscle but does not add greatly to the full composure of the piece. Fresh spinach leaves, on the other hand, provide an excellent balance of texture and vegetable flavor.
A ham sandwich requires just the right amount of mayo (not salad dressing or Miracle Whip). To little, and the ham is to dry. To much, and the bread is to wet.
(It's funny - at one of my clients, I tend to be the person people come to when discussing comparative religions, ever since I was the only person who could explain Halal versus strict "Dhabiyyah" Halal verus Kashrut in clear terms. And I've been known, there, to argue with the Muslims that "Haram tastes better! Bacon, people! BACON!")
(They really liked my "Halal as far as I can tell" chicken curry.)
An old friend of mine named Dave used to say that when you're cuddling with a woman after sex, and there's that one arm you can't really figure out what to do with (the one that winds up falling asleep because you or your partner is lying on top of it, usually), the only real thing you can do is kick her in the small of her back and say, "Go make me a fucking ham sandwich."
One of two things happen at this point: either she gets up and makes you a sandwich (at which point you have to use both hands to eat it AND you just got a free sandwich), or she leaves (at which point you don't have to worry about anyone sleeping on one of your arms, because you've got the entire bed to yourself).
If you're going to have bacon, you have to have peanut butter. PB+B is *great* - if bacon weren't such a pain in the ass to cook first thing in the morning, I'd eat it every day.
ON GLUTEN FREE BREAD WITH SEVERAL KINDS OF GOOD CHEESE, SHAVED HAM AND PROSCUTTIO, STONE-GROUND MUSTARD, AN ORGANIC TOMATO, AND HOT AS THE DEVIL HIMSELF.
YES. MY LIFE WOULD BE VASTLY IMPROVED BY A HAM SANDWICH.
I prefer bacon sandwiches to ham sandwiches. I also feel that bacon should be classed as a vegetable, so that everyone, including muslims, jews & vegans can enjoy it's tastiness! Everyone Needs Bacon!
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Date: 2008-07-21 08:41 pm (UTC)[1]: This causes there to be air inside the sandwich. This makes it taste better than a solid block of ham. NOBODY KNOWS WHY! But it's true.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-07-21 08:58 pm (UTC)In the studies of Dr. Arthur P. Prosciutto, 1959, he discovered that the reason for ham tasting beter folded is really quite simple. Ham molecules (aka Hamecules) oxidize quickly, and the reaction results in the formation of Delicious Protein Bonds. The more surface to air exposure present, the more Delicious Bonds form.
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Date: 2008-07-21 09:26 pm (UTC)Bastard.
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Date: 2008-07-22 04:28 am (UTC)Generally, iceberg lettuce provides an interesting texture to the sandwich that stimulates the jaw muscle but does not add greatly to the full composure of the piece. Fresh spinach leaves, on the other hand, provide an excellent balance of texture and vegetable flavor.
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Date: 2008-07-21 08:43 pm (UTC)In fact, most pork products can be made better by adding bacon. It's like some kind of weird additiv property of pork.
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Date: 2008-07-21 08:43 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2008-07-21 08:46 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-07-21 08:52 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-07-21 09:08 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2008-07-21 09:11 pm (UTC)Some of my favourite Jews eat ham sandwiches!
(It's funny - at one of my clients, I tend to be the person people come to when discussing comparative religions, ever since I was the only person who could explain Halal versus strict "Dhabiyyah" Halal verus Kashrut in clear terms. And I've been known, there, to argue with the Muslims that "Haram tastes better! Bacon, people! BACON!")
(They really liked my "Halal as far as I can tell" chicken curry.)
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Date: 2008-07-21 08:55 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-07-21 09:13 pm (UTC)We should test this.
It is SCIENCE!
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Date: 2008-07-21 09:13 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2008-07-21 09:00 pm (UTC)I do enjoy a good vegetarian ham sandwich. Good ol' Yves.
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Date: 2008-07-21 09:22 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2008-07-21 09:00 pm (UTC)One of two things happen at this point: either she gets up and makes you a sandwich (at which point you have to use both hands to eat it AND you just got a free sandwich), or she leaves (at which point you don't have to worry about anyone sleeping on one of your arms, because you've got the entire bed to yourself).
True story! Also, Dave wasn't very popular.
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Date: 2008-07-21 09:03 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2008-07-21 09:08 pm (UTC):P
I contend that a BLT is the ultimate format of Ham Sandwich.
Date: 2008-07-21 09:17 pm (UTC)Re: I contend that a BLT is the ultimate format of Ham Sandwich.
Date: 2008-07-21 09:23 pm (UTC)Re: I contend that a BLT is the ultimate format of Ham Sandwich.
From:Re: I contend that a BLT is the ultimate format of Ham Sandwich.
From:Pork is the meat of Kings.
Date: 2008-07-21 09:37 pm (UTC)Re: Pork is the meat of Kings.
Date: 2008-07-21 09:45 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-07-21 09:39 pm (UTC)Catering for a Jewish wedding would, similarly, be problematic methinks
Now a BACON sandwich? Pfft, dietry restrictions or not you have to respect the power of bacon
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Date: 2008-07-21 09:44 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-07-21 10:05 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-07-21 10:16 pm (UTC)But then you have a ham sandwich with a ham sandwich, and also a ham sandwich with a ham sandwich, meaning further improvement is impossible.
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Date: 2008-07-21 10:07 pm (UTC)AND HOT AS THE DEVIL HIMSELF.
YES. MY LIFE WOULD BE VASTLY IMPROVED BY A HAM SANDWICH.
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Date: 2008-07-21 10:20 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-07-21 11:45 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-07-22 04:02 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-07-22 11:59 am (UTC)