Revenge Of The Quotes File.

[theweaselking]

I have many many many awesome gamer quotes. I have insufficiently inflicted them on you. They are from several different games, all D&D in this case. Context is for the weak.


PC1: "We don't take prisoners who can turn invisible and throw lightning at-will."
PC2: "I think that's actually part of the Geneva Conventions!"

PC2: "I'm riding my horselizard!"
PC1: "Since when you do you have a horselizard?"
PC2: "Since I paid 3,400 GP for it! And you can't ride it! I don't care if it *can* hold your weight, it's not going to."

PC3: "I think he's got it covered!"
PC1: "Actually, he just kept talking."
Me: "I'm a fire wizard! I produce copious amounts of hot air on zero notice!"

Me: "We're having a fun game of good cop/killer robot cop!"

GM: "How long do Dragonborn live, normally?"
Me: "Until the dragon gets tired of them?"

Me: "So... there's a bartender running for his life. He's being chased by a killer robot with a grappling hook on a chain. HE'S being chased by an angry cockroach demon with a trident, yelling 'them's good eats!'"
PC3: "Someone must paint this on canvas. I must have it on my wall."

[In response to a comment about Dragonborn having small penises]
PC2: "Hey, man, this ain't no tail"

[After levelling and learning rituals for free]
Me: "I unlocked the secrets of the universe by killing trolls."
GM: "It turns out the secrets were inside the trolls THE WHOLE TIME!"

PC1: "We'll head into the hills and pretend to be merchants - travelling into the troll hills - for some reason."
PC3: "We're selling bones!"

PC1: "How much hork do I need to make my spit a Heavy Ranged Weapon?"

GM: "The prison door is barred"
PC1: "I smash it!"
Me: "....we're on the OUTSIDE of the prison."
PC1: "Oh. Yeah. Okay, I just unbar it."

GM: "... so, the robot turned into a Hasidic jew and the dwarf's joined a union. When did we hit New York?"
PC3: "Ey! Troll be walkin' here!"

[Gazers are a walking eyeball monster that blasts people with eye rays.]
GM: "When they're happy, the optic nerve wags!"
[It is explained that Vecna, god of secrets, sees through their eyes and learns what they see.]
PC2: "So, it's like speaker's corner."
PC3: "Hey, Vecna! Lower the bus fare!"


PC1: "We're not trespassers! We're tourists."
Me: "Heavily armed tourists."

GM: "6 adventurers and a horse climb out of a basement!"
Me: "This is the worst dirty joke opening ever."

Me: "I just made an earth titan bleed to death."
PC3: "Apparently you CAN get blood from a stone!"

PC1: "Debilitating Smite is awesome."
PC2: "I prefer to call it 'orphanwhack'"

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[To some Tieflings]
Me: "Surrender or I will send you to heaven!"
[gets strange looks]
Me, sotto voce: "Tieflings hate heaven!"

GM: "In the D&D universe, if they strapped a god to a cross and shoved a spear through his ribs, people would pick a different god!"

GM: "Baphomet, demon god of bererkers and mindless destruction!"
Me: "Really not such a bad guy once you get to know him!"

Me: "Holy crap! Ghoul!"
[hidden ranger fires from concealment. 63 damage in a single hit. The ghoul dies.]
Me: "False alarm!"

PC1: "And the worst part is, Vecna wasn't really known for his magic THIGHS."

GM: "Baphomet used up all his good trap ideas on the other three, was all like 'fuckit, I'll just drop a monkeydemon on it."
PC2: "You can't really go wrong with a monkeydemon!"

PC1: "Wait, so you're prohibited from killing people unless they're not important?"
PC2: "I'm a pacifist! Die, irrelevant person!'"

Me: "Maldrick And The Monkey: Next on Fox!"

GM: "You have a vision!"
PC3: "I have a dream!"
PC2: "I know kung-fu!"

PC1: "This is Thunderspire LAYBRINTH, not Thunderspire Well-Planned Community And Retirement Living"
PC2: "Shady passages!"
PC3: "Maze of Pines!"

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PC1: "They were walled in by mad construction golems!"
GM: "Yes. Apparently they were told to build an aqueduct once and then never stopped. It goes down for *miles*."
PC2: "And they're probably full of evil all the way down!"
PC3: "Until you get to the turtle!"

GM: "Would anyone else like to describe their characters?"
PC4: "Well, if James Bond was a 3'4" sylvan with a lute on his back..."
Me: "I'm *definitely* not a werewolf."
PC3: "I have a bad case of Gnomish Einstein Hair!"
PC2: "Oh god, the people I'm stuck with."

GM: "In the last campaign, those were control orbs for the giant cyborg robotic doom machines."
Me: "Oh. Of course."

PC3: "I don't think you're allowed to make comments about 'that time of the month' around the werewolf."

GM: "You can't shiv him! He's a disabled old man!"
Me: "Technically that makes it easier."

GM: "Okay, PC2, it's your turn."
PC2: "I need a hug!"

GM: "She's on the horse diet. Anything you feed to a horse, she can eat."
PC1: "No, sugar cubes are bad."
Me: "Salt licks are Right Out."
PC3: "Apples are probably dubious."
GM: "So, lots of clover, then!"

PC1: "You can't make an omelet without breaking a few werewolves."
Me: "That is the worst omelet ever."

GM: "You can't WEAR two pairs of boots at once."
PC2's brother, in the next room: "I accept your challenge!"

PC4: "Did we just make an airship out of origami'd paper people and an Arbiter?"

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PC3: "Sometimes you need the Daily first thing in the day."
Me: "Like beer!"

GM: "The bar is larger on the outside than on the inside!"
PC2: "That's a switch!"

GM: "They not only didn't have loot, they broke into the Hall Of Great Treasure and stole some artifacts!"
PC3: "Those bastards! That's completely backwards!"
Me: "Yeah. Curse those orc raiding parties, actually raiding and carrying stuff off."
PC4: "...I think, today, we were the dungeon."
PC1: "They lost a lot of PCs!"
Me: "We're not a level-appropriate encounter."

PC2: "Why's she dressed that way?"
PC1: "To motivate 14 year-olds to rescue her?"
Me: "I was going to rescue her anyway!"
PC1: "You're not 14."
Me: "Yeah, now I'm going to rescue her and be all 'how YOU doin'?"
PC1: "You're, like, two and a half 14 year-olds glued together."

Me: "Oh god. In my head, my character has started to sound like Adam West."
GM: "I love Ioun as much as I love taffee. And I'm an elf who loves his taffee."

[PC3 has been using a mug as an improvised throwing weapon since the initial Traditional Barfight, and yanking it out to get finishing blows with it.]
PC3: "Hmm, axe or mug, axe or mug..."
Everyone else: "AXE!"
PC3: "Hey, the mug has four kills!"

PC1 "Oh god it's a cave bear!"
Me: "Oh, relax. At least it's not another exploding Ogre."
PC4: "Aww, poor thing. Music with sooth the savage ILLUSORY ASSAULT."

Me: "I'm a Rogue multiclassed to Bard. I have TONS of skills. I've got bluff, diplomacy, intimidate, stealth, thievery, athletics, acrobatics.... I'm ready for anything!"
PC4: "We're lost in the woods. What are your Perception, Nature, and Endurance like?"
Me: ".... uh, complete crap. -1?"
PC1: "Maybe you should consider retraining one of those.
Me: "AND LEAVE SHOW BUSINESS?"

[GM draws a "magic circle of protection" on the map with a Star Of David in it]
Me: "HOLY CRAP! JEWS!"
GM: "It's easier for me to draw a Star Of David than a pentagram!"
Me: "This says so much about the state of Jewish/Canadian relations, man."
PC1: "Hey, the hobgoblins got the tabard upside down. I could see them screwing up the pentagram, too."

Me: "What's in the next room, BESIDES a Magic Circle Versus Jews?"
PC1: "It might have been a magic circle versus gentiles."
Me: "There's only one way to be sure. Quick, go check the hobgoblins for signs of circumcision!"

PC2: "Turning into a snake never makes anything better!"

GM: "So, you've left the cleric with the prisoners.... no, wait, not prisoners.... the rescued people..."
PC1: "The 'villagers'"
PC2: "The 'former prisoners?'"
PC3: "The 'ambulatory sources of high-quality backup protein'?"
[GM gives PC3 a shocked look]
Me: "It's nature's way!"

PC1: "Who builds a tomb with a jail in it?"

PC2: "Bad people don't get to have nice things in the afterlife!"

PC3: "The stolen antiquities are unlikely to be tortured and eaten."

GM: "Dead men don't get saving throws."

[Changeling assassins have a list of heroic-type people to kill. All the PCs except PC3 are on it.]
PC1: "I've got it! I know why he's not on the list!"
PC3: "Huh?"
PC1: "He stole a MUG! From the INN!"
PC3: "My misdemeanor has saved me!"