I have seen the future.

Hello adopted child who I have just picked up off the street with a promise of candy, and welcome to your new home! I am your new mother and I love you. Come in, come in! This is the main hallway, which is full of dead animals that stare at you. That heavily armed person over there staring at you while he sharpens a giant axe, who only speaks in grunts, is the Steward. He will be responsible for your education!

The east wing of the house is an unlocked trophy room full of dangerous artifacts, like that one right there. That's the Wabbajack, it's a magic wand that turns things into other things, at random. Mommy got it from the god of insanity, who is Mommy's friend. If you touch it he might speak to you!

In the north wing is Mommy's lab, full of things that are delicious and things that will explode or kill you, or both! That's where I keep all the potables. And the poisons! None of them are labelled! It's also where we prepare dinner because I didn't build a kitchen. The only spoon in the house is actually a fork.

Over here in the east wing are the living quarters! You get your very own chest to store things! I've pre-stocked it with the personal diaries of a notorious serial killer and a copy of all the different contracts on my life that have been taken out in the last few months. There's a LOT of reading material there! The chest is also full of severed ears. Mommy takes those from elves.

Oh, and this is your new younger brother Aventus. Say hello! Aventus is my other foster child. It's a funny story how we met - he performed an ancient and profane ritual to summon an assassin, me, to kill his previous foster family! So I did, then I brought him here. You two are going to get along JUST FINE. You share a bedroom! You're going to sleep within arm's reach of each other! Now, I have a gift for each of you: You get 1000 gold to use for ANYTHING you want. Aventus gets this magical knife, made from the heart of a demon, that steals souls.

Don't go in the basement.

"What happens in this issue?"
"Well, Brian gets caught cheating, again, and BA completely falls to do anything about it, again."

Seriously, I like to think Brian would last, like, 15 minutes at my table before getting booted. Sheesh.

(Kodt: they understand gamers, and geeks. Sadly.)

Oh hey, I found a couple more I'd missed, and added them to the main post.

Epic gaming stories, volume 1

via pope_guilty

On gaming, and what it minimally takes to not suck at it.

by anivair

Once again, purest dorkdom. A short list, this time.

(  What do you mean, he can belch the Shadar-Kai National Anthem?  )

I have many many many awesome gamer quotes. I have insufficiently inflicted them on you. They are from several different games, all D&D in this case. Context is for the weak.

( Some of them are hilarious. )

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( With a different bunch of PCs )

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( Some the identities have been swapped )

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( One last slightly player swap.... )