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theweaselkingReal, True Stories From The Gaming table.
On game mechanics:
DM: "I'll allow it until I figure out how you're wrong."
On proper care and feeding of props:
DM: "John, you're one of the Autumn People. *YOU* shuffle the Tarot cards."
On description of villains:
PC1: "And she's got a lot of lasers!"
PC2: "Furry, Scaly, Shocky, Stabby, Scary..."
Me: "It's the seven dwarves on crack!"
On the lamia's ogre boyfriend:
PC2: "She's a swarm. They stretch good"
On what happens when the Warlock is forced to walk somewhere:
DM: "Shadows gather around her as she... traverses the mortal plane? What?"
Needs no context:
DM: "Yes, towers thrusting into kitties."
On the Warlock's curse:
PC1: "I could yell 'cock' again, but it wouldn't help."
Regarding the Frankensteined pigmonster:
PC3: "Ham elemental?"
Me: "Isn't that just a pig?"
Pigmonsters are hard to shove:
DM: "It's like trying to move a deli!"
PC3: "Jeremy!"
DM: "HOW is this not normal?"
PC3: "You are RUINING FOOD FOR EVERYONE"
PC2: "I've fought a ham monster before! Memories Of 1000 Lifetimes.... 1! I still miss."
DM: "Apparently it is NOT the same as a minotaur!"
PC1: ".... a minotaur would be beef!"
Me: "That's why it's not the same!"
DM: "Just wait until you fight the veal beast!"
PC3: "As opposed to the fake one?"
More about curses:
PC1: "'Cocking Fuckroaches!' - I'm cursing two monsters!"
DM: "Those sound like something from Oglaf"
Me: "Oh god, I can imagine it now - happy faces, joyously waving feelers, and really big dicks!"
DM: "Kill the slaad! It is the source of my singing. It is a singing Slaad"
Me: "Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my rag time gal...."
On a monster giving up because it's in a completely untenable situation:
PC3: "We are so depressing we just made the flesh golem commit suicide."
On finding religious parallels in a poorly-written module:
PC1: "This can't be about Mormonism. There's only one wife."
DM: "She's got, like, 20 faces, all stitched together."
Me: "Yeah! He's consolidating".
More people need to share my love for Mr Hands:
Me: "The best thing about chokers is that they are ribbed for your pleasure!"
On the topic of the guy Frankensteining himself a wife out of parts of every woman he can grab:
Me: "By my ex-girlfriends combined, I am...."
Identifying the contents of a pit:
PC1: "It's probably zombie poop."
On the topic of PC3's lust for Jeffrey Dean Morgan:
DM: "Is this some kind of DILF thing?"
PC3: "No! He's just really hot!"
Me: "So, YES."
Right about here the session got COMPLETELY derailed and we wound up making dick jokes for about two hours before continuing.
PC3: "It was all 'I'm bringing my girlfriend to gaming' and everyone was not impressed. Then I wound up outlasting him. [pause] That happened a lot."
On the appearance of Ron Jeremy in mainstream TV and movies:
PC1: "My mom came in and saw that and was all 'Hey, that's Ron Jeremy!' And I was 'how do you know Ron Jeremy' and she was 'wait, how do YOU know Ron Jeremy?"
On penis jokes:
Me: "Is this a dagger I see before me? No."
I don't remember who said it and nobody's owning up to it:
"Two ghouls, one goblet"
PC3: "I was all 'watersports, that's like sex in a pool, right? That would be awesome!' Oh, 13-year-old me."
On the common problems faced by forest-and-mountain nations in a fantasy realm, as described by the Bard:
Me: "So. Many. Draculas."
PC1 is dogsitting:
PC1: "The dog is not incontinent. It just has a tiny bladder and an overactive imagination."
When asked why the Kobold Bard and the Kobold Nation Ambassador were babbling at each other at 200 wpm:
DM: "That's what Kobolds ARE. They're manic-depressive lizard people who serve dragons, probably as a form of self-medication."
On needing to convert modules to fit your game world:
DM: "The elven city of [scribble scribble scribble] Elohnnen"
(Seriously, every time the name came up in the flavour text there would be a pause, scribble scribble scribble, "Elohnen")
The DM's motto:
DM: "I hate the world."
DM: "You can't eat a book!"
Me: "I accept your challenge!"
PC2: "Books are like salad!"
DM: "Now I'm imagining kobold haute cuisine. Dead rat a la tome."
On going to dinner parties while covered in the blood of would-be assassins:
DM: "Red is the new black!"
Me: "It turns black when we let it dry!"
On the side effects of in-character disccussions:
DM: "I'm always afraid of these. Every time John starts talking about 'back home' something new and horrible gets added to the canon."
Me: "Usually from *you*, I'd like to point out."
On the miracle of Kobolds:
Me: "I'm surprisingly intimidating for someone who is four feet tall and absurd."
On game mechanics:
DM: "I'll allow it until I figure out how you're wrong."
On proper care and feeding of props:
DM: "John, you're one of the Autumn People. *YOU* shuffle the Tarot cards."
On description of villains:
PC1: "And she's got a lot of lasers!"
PC2: "Furry, Scaly, Shocky, Stabby, Scary..."
Me: "It's the seven dwarves on crack!"
On the lamia's ogre boyfriend:
PC2: "She's a swarm. They stretch good"
On what happens when the Warlock is forced to walk somewhere:
DM: "Shadows gather around her as she... traverses the mortal plane? What?"
Needs no context:
DM: "Yes, towers thrusting into kitties."
On the Warlock's curse:
PC1: "I could yell 'cock' again, but it wouldn't help."
Regarding the Frankensteined pigmonster:
PC3: "Ham elemental?"
Me: "Isn't that just a pig?"
Pigmonsters are hard to shove:
DM: "It's like trying to move a deli!"
PC3: "Jeremy!"
DM: "HOW is this not normal?"
PC3: "You are RUINING FOOD FOR EVERYONE"
PC2: "I've fought a ham monster before! Memories Of 1000 Lifetimes.... 1! I still miss."
DM: "Apparently it is NOT the same as a minotaur!"
PC1: ".... a minotaur would be beef!"
Me: "That's why it's not the same!"
DM: "Just wait until you fight the veal beast!"
PC3: "As opposed to the fake one?"
More about curses:
PC1: "'Cocking Fuckroaches!' - I'm cursing two monsters!"
DM: "Those sound like something from Oglaf"
Me: "Oh god, I can imagine it now - happy faces, joyously waving feelers, and really big dicks!"
DM: "Kill the slaad! It is the source of my singing. It is a singing Slaad"
Me: "Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my rag time gal...."
On a monster giving up because it's in a completely untenable situation:
PC3: "We are so depressing we just made the flesh golem commit suicide."
On finding religious parallels in a poorly-written module:
PC1: "This can't be about Mormonism. There's only one wife."
DM: "She's got, like, 20 faces, all stitched together."
Me: "Yeah! He's consolidating".
More people need to share my love for Mr Hands:
Me: "The best thing about chokers is that they are ribbed for your pleasure!"
On the topic of the guy Frankensteining himself a wife out of parts of every woman he can grab:
Me: "By my ex-girlfriends combined, I am...."
Identifying the contents of a pit:
PC1: "It's probably zombie poop."
On the topic of PC3's lust for Jeffrey Dean Morgan:
DM: "Is this some kind of DILF thing?"
PC3: "No! He's just really hot!"
Me: "So, YES."
Right about here the session got COMPLETELY derailed and we wound up making dick jokes for about two hours before continuing.
PC3: "It was all 'I'm bringing my girlfriend to gaming' and everyone was not impressed. Then I wound up outlasting him. [pause] That happened a lot."
On the appearance of Ron Jeremy in mainstream TV and movies:
PC1: "My mom came in and saw that and was all 'Hey, that's Ron Jeremy!' And I was 'how do you know Ron Jeremy' and she was 'wait, how do YOU know Ron Jeremy?"
On penis jokes:
Me: "Is this a dagger I see before me? No."
I don't remember who said it and nobody's owning up to it:
"Two ghouls, one goblet"
PC3: "I was all 'watersports, that's like sex in a pool, right? That would be awesome!' Oh, 13-year-old me."
On the common problems faced by forest-and-mountain nations in a fantasy realm, as described by the Bard:
Me: "So. Many. Draculas."
PC1 is dogsitting:
PC1: "The dog is not incontinent. It just has a tiny bladder and an overactive imagination."
When asked why the Kobold Bard and the Kobold Nation Ambassador were babbling at each other at 200 wpm:
DM: "That's what Kobolds ARE. They're manic-depressive lizard people who serve dragons, probably as a form of self-medication."
On needing to convert modules to fit your game world:
DM: "The elven city of [scribble scribble scribble] Elohnnen"
(Seriously, every time the name came up in the flavour text there would be a pause, scribble scribble scribble, "Elohnen")
The DM's motto:
DM: "I hate the world."
DM: "You can't eat a book!"
Me: "I accept your challenge!"
PC2: "Books are like salad!"
DM: "Now I'm imagining kobold haute cuisine. Dead rat a la tome."
On going to dinner parties while covered in the blood of would-be assassins:
DM: "Red is the new black!"
Me: "It turns black when we let it dry!"
On the side effects of in-character disccussions:
DM: "I'm always afraid of these. Every time John starts talking about 'back home' something new and horrible gets added to the canon."
Me: "Usually from *you*, I'd like to point out."
On the miracle of Kobolds:
Me: "I'm surprisingly intimidating for someone who is four feet tall and absurd."