(no subject)

[theweaselking]

Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender says: “Would any of you guys like a drink?”

The first logician says: “I don’t know.”

The second logician says: “I don’t know.”

The third logician says: “No.”



(Not my joke. Wish it was.)

Comments

[cacahuate.livejournal.com]

[faeriemuriel.livejournal.com]

The joke was already funny, but this had me cracking up

[lafinjack.livejournal.com]

A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are sitting in an outdoor cafe. They watch two people go into a building across the street. Shortly thereafter, three people come out.

"Hmm," says the biologist. "It looks like they reproduced."

"Nah," says the physicist. "There was obviously error in our initial measurement."

The mathematician looks up from his coffee. "Who cares? If another person goes in, it'll be empty."

[metahacker.livejournal.com]

Must be a classical physicist. A quantum physicist would be hypothesizing the existence of an undetectable anti-person moving in the opposite direction that would account for the discrepancy. And what could person/anti-person interactions be mediated by?

[chaosrah.livejournal.com]

I don't get.. either joke... *feels dumb*

[theweaselking.livejournal.com]

Joke Logicians are excessively literal.

The bartender acts if *any* of the logicians wants a drink.

If the first logician wanted a drink, he'd say "yes" - he wants a drink, therefore the answer to the bartender's question is yes. But he doesn't say "yes", he says "I don't know", because he doesn't want a drink but he hasn't heard the other two yet.

If the second logician wanted a drink, he'd say "yes", but he says "I don't know" - he knows the first guy doesn't want a drink (or the first guy would have said yes) and he knows his own answer, but he doesn't know the third guy's answer.

The third logician has heard the other two answer that they don't know. If either of them had wanted a drink, that logician would have said yes. Since neither of them said yes, that means neither of the first two wanted a drink. And he doesn't want a drink.

So he says No.

[theweaselking.livejournal.com]

Second joke:
Biologists think everything is sex.
Physicists are used to "right order of magnitude, close enough"
Mathematicians think in terms of positive and negative numbers.

And their answers are appropriate and in escalating level of absurdity.

[ipslore.livejournal.com]

An engineer, a physicist, an a mathematician are all going to a big multidisciplinary conference on the latest developments in frammistatic turbo-encabulators. In the middle of the night, through the absurd kind of coincidence that only happens in jokes like this, a short circuit starts a fire in the wastebaskets of each of their respective hotel rooms.

The engineer smells the smoke, wakes up, grabs the ice bucket and fills it with water from the sink, dumps it on the fire, then goes back to bed.

The physicist wakes up, looks at the fire, pulls out some scratch paper and calculates the exact amount of water he needs to extinguish the fire, gets a graduated cylinder and fills it with precisely that much water, pours it on the fire, then goes back to bed.

The mathematician wakes up, looks at the fire, pulls out some scratch paper and calculates the exact amount of water he needs to extinguish the fire, then says 'Aha! A solution exists!' and goes back to bed.

[undeadbydawn.livejournal.com]

that is, of course, assuming it isn't an electrical fire. Which your set up strongly suggests it is.

the engineer would presumably check first....

[en-ki.livejournal.com]

Alternately: the mathematician puts the flaming wastebasket in the physicist's room, reducing the problem to one previously solved.

[dglenn.livejournal.com]

Similarly ... how to tell a mathematician and an engineer apart:

Put each on a room with a stove and a table, and a full kettle of water on the floor, and ask them to boil the water. Each will move their kettle to the stove and turn the stove on. Now repeat the process with the kettle on the table. The engineer will move the kettle to the stove again and light the stove. The mathematician will move the kettle from the table to the floor and smugly announce that he has reduced it to a previously-solved problem.

(Even simpler way: tell these jokes, and the one who sheepishly says, "Uh, yeah, that's us," is the mathematician, and the one who rolls on the floor laughing hysterically and has to helped to stand up again between fits of giggles is married to a mathematician.)

(I was a math major.)

[mejoff.livejournal.com]

Tell a selection of people in mathematics related professions that a dog's tail is a leg, then ask them how many legs a dog has.

Mathematician: The only data we have is that the tail is a leg, so 1.

Physicist: Having alredy observed 4 legs on the dog, the redefinition of the tail results in 5.

Engineer: I don't know what twat wrote this specification, but a dog's got 4 legs!

Accountant: How many legs would you like it to have?

[thornae.livejournal.com]

... and the statistician will light several more fires so as to get an adequate sample size.

[lederhosen.livejournal.com]

Mathematician, physicist, and astrophysicist go on a driving holiday to Scotland together. Shortly after they cross the border, they see a black sheep on a hillside.

Astrophysicist: Aha! All Scottish sheep are black!

Physicist: No, all we can conclude is that this Scottish sheep is black.

Mathematician: Actually, all we can conclude is that this side of this Scottish sheep is black.

[publius1.livejournal.com]

The mathematician is correct.

[thornae.livejournal.com]

I heard the mathematician's line as:

"*sigh* In Scotland, there exists at least one sheep, at least one side of which is black."

[strawberryfrog.livejournal.com]

I have been told: "dude, don't use that material on chicks".

[calankh.livejournal.com]

actually, if you find the jokes amusing and are looking for a partner who shares that, I'd recommend using them as a weed out question.

Though you may just be looking for armcandy in a partner, in which case, your friend's advice is accurate.

[torrain.livejournal.com]

Speaking as the chick married to theweaselking--hell yes, do. If we find out you are hogging the jokes because we have tits, there will be a reckoning.

[ianvass.livejournal.com]

#1: Some scientists decided to run an experiment. They took an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, put them in a room with a can that contained enough food and water to last a week but without a can opener, then locked the door and went away.

After a week, they came back to check on the engineer first - he had jury rigged a can opener out of the rivets in his jeans and his zipper, and was fat and happy.

The physicist had scrawled equations all over the walls calculating the exact speed, angle, trajectory, etc to throw the can on the ground and bust it open without spattering the food and water everywhere. He also, was fat and happy.

As the scientists approached the mathematician's room, they heard a faint murmur, so they carefully peeked in and saw the mathematician sitting in the center of the room, gaunt, and rocking back and forth with the unopened can in his lap, muttering quietly to himself, "Let us assume the can is open. Let us assume the can is open."

#2: Feynman and Heisenberg were taking a road trip together. Feynman was driving with Heisenberg acting as navigator. As they conversed, they sped past another car, and Feynman jerked himself back to look at the speedometer, thinking he must be speeding. He saw their speed and said with a sigh of relief, "Whew. We're only going 60."

Heisenberg threw the map out of the window in frustration and exclaimed, "Great, now we're lost!"

[drhoz.livejournal.com]

Heisenberg was pulled over by a cop, for speeding. "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?" "No, but I know where I am."

[silmaril.livejournal.com]

Pre-coffee: I had to read it twice to get it.

Heh, though.

[theweaselking.livejournal.com]

via pope_guilty:

"A mathematician is jailed by a repressive regime, and a week later is arrested again on the streets. The judge says to him, "We threw you in the most secure jail we have! How did you escape?"

The mathematician replies, "Well, first I assumed a hole in the wall...""

[thornae.livejournal.com]

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are asked to build a pen to contain a certain number of sheep with the minimum amount of fencing.

The engineer calculates the cross-sectional area of one sheep, and builds a circular pen containing the combined area of all the sheep.

The physicist calculates the volume of all sheep as a homogeneous sphere, and builds a pen to hold the bottom of the sphere.

The mathematician builds a pen around himself, and defines himself as "outside".

[rimrunner.livejournal.com]

A mathematician told me this joke, mumblety years ago.

[thornae.livejournal.com]

Also: What do you get if you cross and elephant with a camel?



elephant.camel sin θ

[skreidle.livejournal.com]

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a mountain climber?


You can't--one's a scaler.

not mine either, but only too happy to pass it along.

[iblis-kukl.livejournal.com]