Two chemists walk into a bar. The bartender says "So what can I get you?"
The first chemist says "After a a long day of chemistry, there's nothing I want more than a big glass of H2O." Bartender says "Sure, no problem. How about you?" The second chemist says "That sounds great, I'll have some H2O, too!"
At a conference, fires broke out in the wastebaskets of an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician in the middle of the night.
The engineer filled his ice bucket with water, threw it on the fire, putting it out, and went back to bed.
The physicist measured the wastebasket, filled a flask with precisely the necessary amount of water, threw it on the fire, putting it out, and went back to bed.
The mathematician looked at the fire, then at the ice bucket, said, "Ah, a solution exists!" and went back to bed.
ALTERNATIVELY
The mathematician placed his wastebasket in the engineer's room, reducing the problem to one that has already been solved.
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger!"
"In honour of the Harvest Festival, we will not execute you for three days. Before then, I grant you three requests. Now, what is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger thinks about it, and says "I’d like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods, and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver’s ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he’s impressed. “You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?”
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse’s ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde, on his back.
She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.“You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?”
The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse, … alone.”
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger’s tent.
Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,
"Listen very carefully. For the last time, I said 'BRING POSSE'"
When I have the occasional bad day and need to take it out on someone, I don't take it out on my loved ones anymore...
I got the idea one day when I was sitting at my desk and remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. May I please speak with Robin Carter?"
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her.
I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"
It always cheered me up.
When caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm just calling to see if you're interested in the caller ID program?"
He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
One day I was at the store getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "for sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole, (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.
"Hello." "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."
Then I called Asshole #2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are!"
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 2 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.
There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
theweaselking
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Date: 2012-01-25 01:30 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-25 02:06 am (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2012-01-25 04:16 am (UTC)Anyone can roast beef.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-25 09:40 am (UTC)A: A man
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Date: 2012-01-25 03:13 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-25 09:43 am (UTC)A: A Pachydermatologist.
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Date: 2012-01-25 09:47 am (UTC)Q: What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
A: Halfway.
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Date: 2012-01-25 11:08 am (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2012-01-25 01:55 pm (UTC)How do you make a dog meow?
Stick them in the freezer then run them through the band saw - Meeeeeeeeoooow.
How do you make a cat bark?
Soak them in gasoline and throw a match on them - WOOOF.
I did warn you these were bad jokes from a 7 year old.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-25 03:10 pm (UTC)What's the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of dead babies?
You can use a pitchfork to unload dead babies!
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Date: 2012-01-25 03:45 pm (UTC)Q: What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
A: Dr Dre!
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-25 03:48 pm (UTC)A: A stick!
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From:(no subject)
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Date: 2012-01-25 03:52 pm (UTC)(wait for them to answer R!)
A: You think it would be, but the answer is actually "C"
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Date: 2012-01-28 12:58 am (UTC)(no subject)
From:(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-25 05:25 pm (UTC)Banned from the Petting zoo.
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Date: 2012-01-26 06:43 am (UTC)(no subject)
From:(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-25 10:42 pm (UTC)You oscillate its tit a lot.
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Date: 2012-01-27 08:46 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-26 11:18 am (UTC)Wasabi!
(no subject)
Date: 2012-02-01 05:48 am (UTC)(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-26 02:48 pm (UTC)A baby in the microwave.
What's red and gooey and climbs up your leg?
A homesick abortion.
Why was the leper hockey game cancelled?
There was a face off in the corner.
What do elephants use for tampons?
Sheep.
Why do elephants have trunks?
Because sheep don't have strings.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-02-01 05:49 am (UTC)An erection.
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From:(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-27 07:45 pm (UTC)The first chemist says "After a a long day of chemistry, there's nothing I want more than a big glass of H2O."
Bartender says "Sure, no problem. How about you?"
The second chemist says "That sounds great, I'll have some H2O, too!"
The second chemist died.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-27 07:47 pm (UTC)The bartender says "So, do any of you want a beer?"
The first logician says "I don't know."
The second logician says "I don't know."
The third logician says "No."
(no subject)
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From:(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-27 07:59 pm (UTC)A neutron walks into a bar and says "How much for a drink?" Bartender says "For you, no charge."
What does a vulture take on a plane?
Carrion luggage.
What hangs upside down on a tree and coughs?
A hoarse chestnut.
The bartender said "We don't get many time travelers here."
A time traveler walks into a bar.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-27 08:11 pm (UTC)The second replied, "Are you sure?"
Said the first, "I'm positive!"
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-27 08:17 pm (UTC)The engineer filled his ice bucket with water, threw it on the fire, putting it out, and went back to bed.
The physicist measured the wastebasket, filled a flask with precisely the necessary amount of water, threw it on the fire, putting it out, and went back to bed.
The mathematician looked at the fire, then at the ice bucket, said, "Ah, a solution exists!" and went back to bed.
ALTERNATIVELY
The mathematician placed his wastebasket in the engineer's room, reducing the problem to one that has already been solved.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-27 11:17 pm (UTC)A: One - he hands it to six Russians, thus reducing the joke to a previously-told one.
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Date: 2012-01-27 08:43 pm (UTC)Q. What do you get when you go down on an older person?
A. Depends.
A beaver and a termite walk into a bar. They tap on the bar and say, "We're hungry. Is the bar tender here?"
Did you here about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.
(Oh, I could go on. I could.)
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-27 10:15 pm (UTC)"Keep the tip!"
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Date: 2012-01-27 10:39 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-27 10:44 pm (UTC)A: A BA-BOOM!
Q: What do you call a cow with one leg?
A: Lean beef.
Q: What do you call a twitchy cow?
A: Beef jerky.
Q: What do you call a cow stuck in a barbed wire fence?
A: Udder destruction.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-27 10:52 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:(no subject)
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Date: 2012-01-28 02:26 am (UTC)BECAUSE THEIR HORNS DON'T WORK!
...
Do you know the difference between an elephant and a post box?
No?
Well, I'm not sending you to post any letters.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-28 02:38 am (UTC)A. Ba-na-na-naaaaa!
Q. What do you sing when driving?
A. Car-toons.
Q. What swings from cake to cake?
A. Tarzipan.
Q. What do you get if you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A. Great big holes all over Australia.
Q. What's the largest species of ant?
A. The eleph-ant.
Q. What do you get if you cross an elephant with a camel?
A. (elephant·camel)sinθ
... I'm back home with access to my terrible, terrible joke books. No-one is safe.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-28 02:44 am (UTC)A: NOTHING! You can't cross a vector and a scalar!
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-28 02:47 am (UTC)A. A blind person with a Rubik's cube.
Q. What's got four eyes and a mouth?
A. The Mississipi (okay, that works better as a spoken joke).
Maths!
What's 4Q+6Q?
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-28 02:47 am (UTC)(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-28 03:08 am (UTC)A. A flat miner.
"Why did you give up tap dancing?"
"I fell into the sink and broke my ankles."
I stole a calendar yesterday.
I got twelve months.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-29 12:41 pm (UTC)A: EEEEEEEEEE *clap* flat.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-29 02:51 am (UTC)The Indian Chief proclaims "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger!"
"In honour of the Harvest Festival, we will not execute you for three days. Before then, I grant you three requests. Now, what is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger thinks about it, and says "I’d like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods, and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver’s ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he’s impressed.
“You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?”
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse’s ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde, on his back.
She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.“You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?”
The Lone Ranger responds,
“I’d like to speak to my horse, … alone.”
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger’s tent.
Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,
"Listen very carefully. For the last time, I said 'BRING POSSE'"
Oh, long form?
Date: 2012-02-01 05:55 am (UTC)I got the idea one day when I was sitting at my desk and remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. May I please speak with Robin Carter?"
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her.
I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"
It always cheered me up.
When caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm just calling to see if you're interested in the caller ID program?"
He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
One day I was at the store getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "for sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole, (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.
"Hello." "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."
Then I called Asshole #2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are!"
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 2 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.
There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew.
NOW, I feel better.
This anger management thing really works!
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-29 11:52 am (UTC)Subordinate Clauses!
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-29 04:37 pm (UTC)A: One.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-30 03:18 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From: