Nerd Blasphemy, Redux.

[theweaselking]

Went to see The Force Awakens - non-3D on a Sunday afternoon meant a nice non-crowded theatre.

Executive summary: Easily the best Star Wars movie since 1983. No Ewoks, no Gungans, no 50s diners with muppet cooks, no blatant clumsy racist caricatures. Interesting new characters, fun callbacks to old characters, surprisingly deep writing.

And despite his best efforts JJ Abrams didn't manage to ruin it.

He really, really, really tried, though, and did some serious damage in the process. I'd rank TFA below Return Of The Jedi, even the special edition with extra Ewoks and additional musical numbers, *entirely* because of blatant Abrams-isms that are clearly the exact same mistakes he makes over and over again in everything he does.

Spoilers in the comments.

Comments

[theweaselking.livejournal.com]

Abramsisms:
SO. MANY. BASIC. NUMBER. MISTAKES.

Why does the entire "Resistance" only have ~30 ships, all 1-person starfighters? Why does the New Order, with resources to terraform a planet into a living Death Star, only have like two Star Destroyers? What the fuck is the "Resistance" resisting, anyway? Why does the ENTIRETY OF THE REPUBLIC consist of only four planets, on which are docked 100% of all Republic ships, all in the same star system, all within easy viewing from the surface of a *fifth* planet that just happens to have all of our heroes but isn't part of the Republic?

(If all those sound familiar, it's because he made ALL OF THEM, REPEATEDLY, in both Star Trek and ST Into Darkness)

"How big is space?" errors are all over this. Why does the Star Destroyer only have two TIE fighters when it's chasing the Falcon, and why can the Falcon just drive off at sublight speed (no Hyperdrive!), while being CLEARLY easy to trace (Han says so.... and catches up to them in a trash-hauling cargo ship, meaning they're not moving very fast. Three minutes at sublight speed from the planet with the Star Destroyer that's chasing them). Then, two more ships see them, arrive, and dock... and there's still no sign of the Star Destroyer that was, again, *at most* three minutes back from a Falcon that wasn't going very fast to begin with and is now stopped, while radiating signals that a trash hauler could see *and* that are so obvious that Han insists they can't take the Falcon to the Resistance because the New Order would be able to track it.

(One suspects that Abrams remembered the Empire tracing the Falcon back in A New Hope, but didn't rewatch the source material in preparation for the sequel and so forgot there was a tracking device planted aboard.)

And there's all the hyperspace/lightspeed errors. There's a REASON the Lucas-written movies, even the bad ones, refer to it as "the jump to lightspeed" but then "travelling through hyperspace". Because you're not going *at lightspeed*, that's way, way too slow to get you anywhere. Leaving aside the beyond-perfect timing of the defense shields going down *exactly* at the Resistance Starfighters reached the right point to come out of hyperspace. That's not how that works, in Star Wars, dude. They aren't just hanging out, standing still, on the far side of the Alpha Wall[1]

(Also: "We need to leave the system!" "We have to go back for the droid!" okay, yeah, sure, but what about also mentioning "TIE Fighters have no hyperdrive, so we're not leaving the system no matter what. Our only chance is to survive the planet long enough to get a hyper-capable ship" or something like that? Pointing out that gravity is not just a good idea, It's The Law would have been nice. Still, Finn can't fly and is at the mercy of the dude in the pilot seat so that one didn't bug me much.)

And the map.
Ugh, the fucking map.
It's a STARMAP. It clearly covers ABOUT A TENTH OF THE GALAXY. It's got a CRAPTON of reference points - and you can't figure out where it might fit? It should have taken an astromech droid about 15 seconds to figure out where in the galaxy that was, and it's the part of the map with the end. Also, why a trail to follow and not just the end?

This, again, is classic Abrams: he doesn't know anything about distances, times, speeds, numbers, space, light, radio, physics, the source material of the world he's playing in. Rather than learning about it, or leaving it out, he keeps making very specific claims that make no sense whatsoever. At least in The Force Awakens none of the Abrams Errors were plot-critical and none of the plot hung on these clearly-wrong things being true.





[1]: Not a Star Wars reference. A reference to a universe where you very much *can* just hang still in space in hyperspace, and go down (or up!) any time you want.

[affreca.livejournal.com]

Thanks for helping me identify what was bothering me about TFA - sense of the scale. It's what killed the Star Trek reboot for me (actually, I was out after the giant canyon in Iowa).

[torrain.livejournal.com]

Why does the ENTIRETY OF THE REPUBLIC consist of only four planets, on which are docked 100% of all Republic ships, all in the same star system, all within easy viewing from the surface of a *fifth* planet that just happens to have all of our heroes but isn't part of the Republic?

Huh, I could have sworn their were five. Now I want to rewatch.

WRT to the map, and a trail to follow: the Empire has a history of deleting all records of information--I do remember that from movies that predate the current in-universe events by maybe sixty-eighty years, even if the only other things I really remember are an anti-smoking ad and General Grevious's style--space is really really big, and even if there isn't something special about coming in exactly that way--

Star Wars is about the journey. Star Wars has always been about the journey.

[pappy-legba.livejournal.com]

I thought a lot of the spaceship sequences were well done, cinematically if not with internal consistency. The one exception was the Falcon flopping around like a fish anytime it got near to the ground. Knocking a radar dish off the ship in a near-miss is how you create suspense. If the the ship bounces around like a hockey puck any time it's inside ground-effect, it gets dull quick.

[calankh.livejournal.com]

My gut level reaction to the movie was sadness because I miss a lot of the EU stuff (Zahn mostly, but also Stackpole stuff, cuz xwings). But beyond that some things felt off--thanks for enumerating them here.

I was sitting in the theater trying to remember if you could move instantly between systems in the original movies and confused as to how they got information across systems instantly. (they're charging the starkiller in another system but know about it already, & can get there in time? how??)

Also, yay Honor Harrington reference.

[xenophanean.livejournal.com]

OMG this! Abrams really needs to ask anyone over the age of 12 for advice about this stuff when he's making any future sci fi films.

[theweaselking.livejournal.com]

Abramsism appendix:

Finally, Starkiller Base: Okay, so they can CLEARLY terraform a planet, and they can CLEARLY aim the damn thing, and the Death Stars were both hyper-capable, so there's no particular reason they can't have put a hyperdrive on it. And the "it eats a star to provide power for the laser" is KIND OF AWESOME, as was the "as long as there's light, there's hope" part and the fact that the star re-ignited once the energy left storage (it should have exploded more but OMG HEY THEY GOT SOMETHING PHYSICS-ISH MOSTLY RIGHT I WILL TAKE IT).

But, uh, how did they charge up the first shot? And why not recharge (then move to a new star so the biosphere stays inhabitable) immediately after firing the first shot? Speaking of which, something with an atmosphere going into hyperspace makes me wonder how much of the air and trees and shit would be left, cf Falcon vs Tentacle Monster, but that's a smaller issue.

[malovich.livejournal.com]

I'm assuming charging, storage, and discharging don't necessarily take up an entire sun's worth of energy.

I can see failsafes keeping the energy of the sun from exploding right up until it's stable enough then finally giving out as it vapourizes.

What I *can't* get out of my mind are those bolts of energy coming out of the Starkiller... visibly... then splitting... then being watched as they crawled across the sky... so visible on a human-eye scale... hitting several targets in close proximity...

Were they all in the same system? No, because they'd see their own star get sucked up... I... I can't even... faster-than-light emissions visible... AIEEEE

[xengar.livejournal.com]

Speaking of which, something with an atmosphere going into hyperspace makes me wonder how much of the air and trees and shit would be left, cf Falcon vs Tentacle Monster, but that's a smaller issue.

I've always (well, always since I was old enough to question such things) assumed that in the Star Wars universe space is full of non-breathable air. This is why ships handle exactly this same close to planets and far away. This is why pilots wear acceleration suits and breathmasks, but not pressure suits. This is why there is sound in space...

[calankh.livejournal.com]

Not canon anymore, but the idea of hyperdrive on a planet was in the EU.
http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Zonama_Sekot

Granted, horrible prequel/Yuuzhan Vong EU, but still there.

They seem to have managed to pull only the terrible parts from the EU to use for the movie. Would it really have been so hard to put a Bothan in the background? Chiss? Any of the other alien species introduced in a book?

[cartesiandaemon.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the giant rant about J J Abrams which pointed out what bugged me -- I'd noticed it was better than Startrek, but not where all the problems were actually still similar.

I have to say, I assumed that fully charging Starkiller _temporarily_ depleted the star, and then they had to wait for the star to recover before the next shot. And that it was much too big to go through hyperspace. And I still think that makes more sense, but apparently canon is what you said, with all the problems that entails :(

[lurkerwithout.livejournal.com]

No Ewoks

Thats it, I'm out!

[theweaselking.livejournal.com]

Awesome bits:

Kylo Ren is a low-rent Darth Vader: YES EXACTLY AND THIS WAS AWESOME. You can't match Darth Vader, because you can't *be* the original Spaceman In Black and you can't measure up to three and a half decades of classic. So it's a great decision that they didn't even try. Ren isn't wearing an environment suit to survive, he's wearing a spooky mask because he thinks it makes him spookier. Ren isn't a ruthless killer, he's hesitant and worried and when he loses his temper he takes out *things*, not people. Ren does PROPERTY DAMAGE where Vader chokes the shit out of people. Ren is a cheap copy of Darth Vader who doesn't measure up *by design*.

Rei and Finn: Rei is just great in every scene. Finn is excellent and gets most of the good jokes. They work well together.

Rei: She's a self-rescuing princess and she gets to win the big fight without a man saving her. Always nice. The, uh, "secret" of her identity isn't exactly a deep secret, though. 2 minutes after we first see her she's sitting holding a helmet that clearly has personal meaning to her. It's an X-Wing pilot's helmet, circa Battle Of Yavin, of pilot Red Five. Which is to say, Luke Skywalker.

Finn: torrain thought his characterisation seemed a little rushed, but I disagree, because he STARTED as the Little Stormtrooper Who Couldn't, the guy with qualms, who realised that his bridge was burning and jumped as far as he could, as fast as he could. Wacky Theory: the bar owner mentions recognising eyes she's seen before, and clearly he wants to run. She's got a double meaning: She can clearly see he wants to run away, and she also recognises him. Finn was taken from his family very young and has no idea who his parents are, but he's clearly force-sensitive, and pretty strong even if he's not in the same class as the Skywalkers. My theory: I don't know who his parents or grandparents are, but his great-grandfather is one Master Mace Windu, Samuel L Jackson's character from the bad movies.

Leia and Han: Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford were clearly enjoying themselves and brought a great deal of awesome to their roles. Also, Leia still being Skywalker-style "definitely Force-sensitive although not a Jedi" always makes me happy.

Starkiller Base: all it needed was a prerecorded Peter Cushing "You may fire when ready". Yes, yes, interstellar FTL lasergun SHUT UP, the dude from Stargate Universe explained it: "Somehow, they've made a Hyperspace laser gun!"

Starkiller Base's name: In the original script of the first Star Wars, a certain whiny farmboy was named "Luke Starkiller".

Definitely some more things, those are just all what immediately jump out at me.

[torrain.livejournal.com]

Re Finn: is it possible his Force-sensitivity is part of why he quit? I get the impression that the First Order troopers were indoctrinated fairly heavily, and yet the first time he sees people getting killed he bails with admirable conviction.(1) I'm guessing the murder of a village might not produce a truly large-scale disturbance in the Force, but I'm wondering if it was enough to help him go.

(I still grin a little over "No-one looked at mgs the way you did." She looked at you like she was gonna beat your ass with a stick, and she did.)

Love the two sides, light/dark, shooter/protector division, mind.
===
(1)"Alright, then, I'll GO to Hell!"

[theweaselking.livejournal.com]

The, uh, "secret" of her identity isn't exactly a deep secret, though.

At least Luke specifically ISN'T looking for her - they're not hiding Darth Vader's son from Darth Vader by putting him on Darth Vader's home planet, with Darth Vader's only surviving relatives, this time.

[theweaselking.livejournal.com]

Also awesome: Han Solo shoots many people in this movie. As far as I can tell, *not one of them* has shot at him first when he fires. When there's a firefight, Han starts it. But at no time does the fight start with Han *returning* fire.

Put another way: Han Shoots First.

(At least, as far as I remember. I wasn't watching specifically for that until partway through.)

[malovich.livejournal.com]

'My theory: I don't know who his parents or grandparents are, but his great-grandfather is one Master Mace Windu, Samuel L Jackson's character from the bad movies.'

FUCK YES I dear so hope for this.

[pappy-legba.livejournal.com]

I'm going to give the absurdities and massive plot holes around the star-sucking planet gun a pass because symbolically (and somewhat actually) ABRAMS BLEW UP THE THE PREQUELS.

Coruscant was mentioned in passing in the first movies, but you saw little or none of it (maybe only in the special editions?). Coruscant was a huge part of the prequels. It's safe to say it was one of the central, if not the defining, locations.

In the new movie, one thing Abrams got right was using more practical effects-- the shots at the resistance base were done plywood-and-spraypaint X-wing models (doubtless digitally retouched, but there were physical sets at the source). There was some use of actual sets and physical props that harkened back to the original movie. Compare that to the brief shots of Coruscant before it got blow'd up and it looks like came from a different movie. : All shiny with superfluously busy backdrops. It was a parody of the prequels' cinematography. You saw just enough of it to recognize it, before it died in the biggest fire ever.

[andrewducker]

Yup, I'd go with all of that.

(And Abrams not understanding distance.)

It was great fun, and the bits that annoyed me were basically the same bits that annoyed you, and I can happily handwave them for the purposes of enjoying the good bits.

[rimrunner.livejournal.com]

I don't know if you're on the Twitterz, but Emo Kylo Ren's Twitter feed is hilarious.

[jayblanc.livejournal.com]

Good News. Abrams is not the creative lead for the franchise, and will have no further role in production of sequels and spin-offs.

[theweaselking.livejournal.com]

I know, and I'm very happy about it. And he's pointedly *not* writing or directing the third Star Trek movie, although he's still "producing".

Finally, I can talk about Star Wars

[livejournal.livejournal.com]

User andrewducker referenced to your post from Finally, I can talk about Star Wars (http://andrewducker.livejournal.com/3384598.html) saying: [...] see it again, so I can experience it without expectations hanging over me. has a good review here [...]

[kalimac.livejournal.com]

What got me about the map was that it reveals the location of Luke Skywalker, as if he were some kind of natural feature on the landscape.

[damerell.livejournal.com]

I guess he left it behind to show where he planned to go, but it's good luck that he didn't move house since, especially given the fairly limited amenities on his little island.

Does he spend all day on his ledge of moping, or is it sheer good luck that Rey doesn't turn up when he's in the loo?

[damerell.livejournal.com]

Also, the First Order seems to be very understaffed, especially given their enormous material resources. (Hypothesis: the Empire accidentally wrote a procurement order for 1 dozen assorted Death Stars. This is why blowing up the Death Star is usually the plot and also why the First Order had one). Who shall we send to Jakku to retrieve the super-important MacGuffin? "A squad", and two TIE Fighters. Even given that they only seem to have one Star Destroyer, the resources of one Star Destroyer surely amount to more than that. Who is guarding the controls for the shield generator on the new Death Star? Two Stormtroopers. (Come to think of it, why are they on the surface to begin with?) The entrance to the equally vital thermal oscillator? Another handful.

Presumably this explains why they have abandoned the Empire's policy of an all-male military.

[eididdy.livejournal.com]

With the acknowledgement that I haven't yet read all of your comments, I'm kind of surprised I haven't seen one mention of how many scenes/characters/situations seemed like they were taken from the older movies. I thought you'd be all over that.

[theweaselking.livejournal.com]

I mostly shrugged at that. They're consciously setting up a third-generation parallel to Eps 4-6 and 2-3[1]. And it feels particularly clumsy because JJ Abrams tries to be George Lucas but lacks the talent, vision, and skill[2], but the fact that the parallels are clumsy doesn't make them accidental or bad. Star Wars is always about generations, the sins of the father being addressed (sometimes poorly!) by the generation after.

So it doesn't really bug me: They're actively setting up a repeat of history, except this time it's Low Rent Darth Vader who has the aspirations to be something more than he is versus angry abandoned outworld farmgirl. They've taken Vader and Luke's motivations and reversed them in hero and villain. With some extra twists and turns thrown in.

(I'm really looking forward to the next one, ESPECIALLY because all the things I hated about this one are clearly Abrams-isms and Abrams is *gone*, not even producing, the next one.)

[1]: Ep1 is irrelevant and thematically unfitting. Eps 2 and 3 are thematically fitting, just terrible

[2]: Whenever I think of how bad the Prequels were and how bad the changes to the Special editions were, I am slightly comforted by the fact that Abrams would have made them *even worse*.