Dear former homeowner.

[theweaselking]

I can understand leaving some last-minute garbage behind.

I can also totally understand leaving behind the dresser that you said you'd leave, and maybe even the king-size bedframe that you said you MIGHT leave behind if your friend couldn't take it out in time. Those, you informed us of and we told you having them would be cool.

However, you moved out before noon on a day when garbage was collected at noon.

There is no excuse for leaving:

sixteen bags of garbage, filling the garage so full that my car would not fit in until today.
The dresser, two other dressers, an "entertainment unit" that weighs more than 100kg, multiple tables, and an area rug that stinks of cat piss.
Potatoes. No, really, what the fuck, potatoes?
Many large pieces of broken glass. Were you COLLECTING them?
A full-sized heavy bag in good condition (KEEPING THAT!)
A regulation basketball net, portable (Neighbours with young children want it. PS, they hated you. A lot.)
A waist-high stone pillar.
Two very large bookcases.
A child's sled.
SIX MILLION THINGS WITH HAPPY FACES ON THEM NO REALLY WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK.
An oriental screen.
An electric "soup cooker". Really, it's like a kettle, but specifically for soup. I don't know.
A giant suitcase filled with old shoes and mothballs.
The Lion King Interactive Board Game And Playset (unopened)
A hockey stick (untouched, unfortunately shooting left. I shoot right)
A few dozen other things, I'm sure, that I don't remember.

Yours truly,
John

PS: finally got my desktop plugged in again. 493 messages. The internet loves me. I don't love you. I think this means I'm better than you, or something. Either way, you should feel bad, because I want you to.

PPS: As soon as we find the cable that goes with the camera, I am TOTALLY posting It Came From The Lint Trap.

Because it did. And is scary.

Comments

[torrain.livejournal.com]

> A waist-high stone pillar.

Technically plaster, but you know.

Also, a fishtank. A fishtank with three inches of stagnant water in it.

And two broken shower heads--one, unfortunately, on the shower. Until you wonderfully replaced it.

[chaosrah.livejournal.com]

oh gross.. on the stagnant water in a fishtank thing.. ew.

[chaosrah.livejournal.com]

this made me laugh. did you just move? wtf? lol

[torrain.livejournal.com]

Yeah, we moved in a week ago today. It's really a pretty lovely place, and it's not actually damaged or anything. There's just crap in our pretty lovely place, and we are slowly excavating.

[dolston.livejournal.com]

Wow. The former owners sound like dicks.

[theweaselking.livejournal.com]

Our opinion of them is going down, yes.

[theweaselking.livejournal.com]

FSBO. So no, not foreclosed, and they were such REASONABLE people until we went to move in after they'd moved out.

[mrbankies.livejournal.com]

My sympathies. Our sellers weren't so bad, but I nearly pulled the plug on the deal when we did pre-close walk through and found the dust bunnies that were 2 inches thick in some of the bed rooms. Fortunately, they cleaned them up. The 20 years of nicotine stain on the windows, not so much.

[mzdemonique.livejournal.com]

yea, we bought our house from my in-laws... so everything was left in perfect order. really. no trash. really. no random pieces of furniture, shelves, electrical cords or anything. not at all. yea.

hope the trash clears out soon so you can enjoy your new home!

[theweaselking.livejournal.com]

All the trash is gone. We still have a little more cat-piss-smell to clean up, and there are a few cupboards that could use a new bottom, and OH HOLY FUCK THE BASKETBALL NET'S BASE IS REALLY FUCKING HEAVY, but apart from that, things are good.

[fearmeforiampink]

Get the kids to help you shift it - make them work for their hoops.

[pope-guilty.livejournal.com]

"It's all yours if you can get it to your driveway."

[spartonian.livejournal.com]

Or John and Torrain could start playing basketball, since it is the greatest sport on the planet.

[torrain.livejournal.com]

That still leaves it lagging three miles behind any good book.

[singingnettle.livejournal.com]

Your other post explains it...the former owners were turkey vultures.

[alumiere.livejournal.com]

wow - that's an impressive pile of crap they left, and just for you

congrats on the new place though

[frith]

The former owner of my place left me with a ton of scrap metal and garbage (he tried to set fire to a toilet) and started to remove light fixtures and baseboard heaters and then changed his mind half way through. He's also my co-worker so this doesn't surprise me.

[interactiveleaf.livejournal.com]

He tried to set fire to a toilet.

He tried to set fire to a toilet.

He tried to set fire to a toilet.

... I can keep saying it, but I'll never understand it.

[frith]

Yeah, it was in a pile of trash that included sofa-chairs, old clothes and a set of keys from work. I kept the singed keys as a trophy. Like in King Weasel's case, we have weekly garbage collection. Luckily for me the scrapped cars had been hauled to the scrap yard a few months earlier due to a writ from the municipality.

[cmseward.livejournal.com]

But... it's ceramic, and probably full of water. He expected this to burn how, exactly? (Thermite would probably work, but for ceramic that's really more melting than burning, but if he'd tried that we wouldn't be having this discussion.)

[peristaltor.livejournal.com]

Maybe he was trying to bake prison style? I seem to recall a pie recipe that called for a toilet paper fire held in a bent coat hanger set on a toilet tank.

Of course, that was for people who don't have kitchens. . . .

[frith]

Even though it was empty of all water it still was ceramic, so yes, there was no way it was going to burn.

[gothpanda.livejournal.com]

If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college.

Inscrutable

[frith]

If it weren't for the flames belching out of the toilet, he wouldn't have left the bowl full of cigarette butts on the workbench in the basement.

[peristaltor.livejournal.com]

Lewis!

[torrain.livejournal.com]

...tried to set fire to a...

I need more coffee.

[frith]

Remember, I share my work area with this guy. It teaches you a wary sort of patience.

[seriesfinale.livejournal.com]

No trial, no jury, straight to execution.

[jagash.livejournal.com]

Well hey, at least book cases are always handy.

[pope-guilty.livejournal.com]

Man, I've left shit in apartments before, but that's insane.

[pope-guilty.livejournal.com]

And I leave stuff like unopened boxes of soap and ice melter and the like.

[missysedai.livejournal.com]

Oh, hey, my sellers must have bought your place when they left here (http://missysedai.livejournal.com/338688.html#cutid1)!

[graethorne.livejournal.com]

flit1 and I sympathize.
Our previous owner stories are more in the zone of "You THOUGHT you were a handyman... and a locksmith". A cheap, corner-cutting bastardo if ever one was born. We found root structures in the front yard from a tree the neighbors said was removed years ago.... root clumps bigger around and longer than my kid, and weighing in total damn near what I do (I am not a small person). 45# breaker bar action, indeed. and don't even get me started on the hackjob he did to the poor tree putting in the most slap-dash treehouse I've ever enountered....

[jerril]

We had a bad attack of "Thought he was a handyman" at our place, but fortunately everything done appears to be sound, just ugly, irregular, and with nails or screws sticking out.

[torrain.livejournal.com]

Oh, you had Bob!

Our property managers when we rented were Bobs, too. As in "We don't need to hire a professional! My cousin/nephew/neighbour/uncle Bob can do this!"

(Bob paints over candle stubs when they are left on the window, and wallpapers with burlap. Bob is an *ass.*)

[graethorne.livejournal.com]

Bob, from the Ancient Dwarven, for "he who fucks uppe..."

o.o

[quilzas.livejournal.com]

Wow, that is just a nuts list of stuff left.

I think the only thing I've ever left behind anywhere was a floor lamp.

[thormation.livejournal.com]

Dear John.

We left all this crap behind because:
1) We didn't want it.
2) We were tired of moving stuff and we just wanted to get out of there.
3) We knew that you that the only real consequence of doing so would be to generate an angry but impotent posting on LiveJournal.

We'd say more but we have already forgotten you exist.

Sincerely,
The Former Homeowners.

[lafinjack.livejournal.com]

An oriental screen.

So, a Sony or JVC or something?