And now, more Real True Gaming Quotes.
Mar. 22nd, 2009 10:12 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
theweaselkingThe first set are from Doug's D&D Game on Friday, wherein I took over for one session and ran the old "Dragon Hires You To Steal His Hoard So His Wife Will Leave Him And Don't You Dare Touch The Hatchlings Or He'll Eat You" plot.
PC1 and PC2 are still sane, PC3 is still out of his gourd, "DM" is now "Doug", but, yeah, same players.
Upon hearing a dragon screaming in rage and pain and anguish, the PCs discuss whether or not to go around it or go towards it.
The deciding argument?:
Doug: "My bar tab. It is Epic Tier. We MUST slay the dragon!"
The dragon refers to them as "human monkeys", when there is not a single human PC:
PC3: "We're not human!"
Dragon: "Really? How can you tell?"
PC3: "I'm a halfling! We're short!"
Dragon: "You're all short. Two legs, two arms, no wings, you're human."
PC3: "But..."
Dragon: "Are you an ARGUMENTATIVE human monkey?"
The dragon expresses that he hates his wife and wants her gone:
PC2: "Dragons get married?"
[The dragon turns and stares at him]
PC2: "What? I'm a Dwarf. I live in a mountain. We don't hear these things."
[The dragon raises an eyebrow]
PC2: "Uh.... I'm a human. I live in a mountain. We don't hear these things."
The PCs sneak into the lair and see two huge black dragons, one of which is facing the entrance and one is not:
PC1: "Well, which one is which?"
Me: "They're kind of hard to tell apart."
Doug: "Racist. I bet if they were WHITE dragons, we'd be able to tell."
And then, for the first time in a decade, I actually got to play *again*, with![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
harald387 and jerril over the weekend.
Dragonborn: "I'm covering my face with chalk!"
DM: "uh..."
Dragonborn: "I'm pretending to be the world's biggest Kobold!"
Me: "Dire Kobold!"
The fastidious elf wizard was using Prestidigitation to clean up bloodstains so we could claim we had no idea where our escort and that room full of guards were once the messenger came back to lead us to the Boss, and then started dusting and polishing things.
Elf: "This will be the nicest torture chamber in this county!"
After bluffing our way past the guards, being taken to their leader, and killing everyone in the room:
Warlord: "If we kill the door guard on the way out, does that mean we get XP for defeating him twice?"
After a particularly lousy pun:
"Hey, host's roommate, did you hear that one?"
"I'm sorry, I'm tuning you out. The stupid is unbearable."
No context needed:
"Use the steel dice."
"Why?"
"Irony"
And, finally, from a completely off-topic conversation on how Warren Ellis had a castle where the rooftop cannon fired you into a sex club, but he sold it because people were buying the land around it and building humongous erections:
DM: "It's Second Life! You have to buy everything *or else the penises come*"
PC1 and PC2 are still sane, PC3 is still out of his gourd, "DM" is now "Doug", but, yeah, same players.
Upon hearing a dragon screaming in rage and pain and anguish, the PCs discuss whether or not to go around it or go towards it.
The deciding argument?:
Doug: "My bar tab. It is Epic Tier. We MUST slay the dragon!"
The dragon refers to them as "human monkeys", when there is not a single human PC:
PC3: "We're not human!"
Dragon: "Really? How can you tell?"
PC3: "I'm a halfling! We're short!"
Dragon: "You're all short. Two legs, two arms, no wings, you're human."
PC3: "But..."
Dragon: "Are you an ARGUMENTATIVE human monkey?"
The dragon expresses that he hates his wife and wants her gone:
PC2: "Dragons get married?"
[The dragon turns and stares at him]
PC2: "What? I'm a Dwarf. I live in a mountain. We don't hear these things."
[The dragon raises an eyebrow]
PC2: "Uh.... I'm a human. I live in a mountain. We don't hear these things."
The PCs sneak into the lair and see two huge black dragons, one of which is facing the entrance and one is not:
PC1: "Well, which one is which?"
Me: "They're kind of hard to tell apart."
Doug: "Racist. I bet if they were WHITE dragons, we'd be able to tell."
And then, for the first time in a decade, I actually got to play *again*, with
harald387 and jerril over the weekend.Dragonborn: "I'm covering my face with chalk!"
DM: "uh..."
Dragonborn: "I'm pretending to be the world's biggest Kobold!"
Me: "Dire Kobold!"
The fastidious elf wizard was using Prestidigitation to clean up bloodstains so we could claim we had no idea where our escort and that room full of guards were once the messenger came back to lead us to the Boss, and then started dusting and polishing things.
Elf: "This will be the nicest torture chamber in this county!"
After bluffing our way past the guards, being taken to their leader, and killing everyone in the room:
Warlord: "If we kill the door guard on the way out, does that mean we get XP for defeating him twice?"
After a particularly lousy pun:
"Hey, host's roommate, did you hear that one?"
"I'm sorry, I'm tuning you out. The stupid is unbearable."
No context needed:
"Use the steel dice."
"Why?"
"Irony"
And, finally, from a completely off-topic conversation on how Warren Ellis had a castle where the rooftop cannon fired you into a sex club, but he sold it because people were buying the land around it and building humongous erections:
DM: "It's Second Life! You have to buy everything *or else the penises come*"
(no subject)
Date: 2009-03-23 12:46 pm (UTC)Full of humans. Of course
(no subject)
Date: 2009-03-23 06:47 pm (UTC)We discovered a letter from The Big Bad to one of his minions, so the party rogue lifted off the seal and made a new letter that said were to be given anything we asked for.
We walked up to the front doors of the Hidden Evil Dungeon, killed the guard standing outside, dropped him in a pit trap, then raised the alarm *ourselves* and demanded to know why their incompetent guard fell in his own trap while he was taking us to their leader.
The goblins were all "Uh, what?" and we started blustering and waving the orders in their faces - so they walked us through into the Boss Goblin's antechamber and one stayed with us (and the adjacent guard post) while the other went through the doors into the Boss Goblin's section to see what the boss was going to say.
So we barricaded that door from our side, and fell on the guard post. Then we looted, stashed the bodies in a storeroom, cleaned up (the Elf started getting a little overenthusiastic, hence the quote), and when the escort/messenger came back we were all "What? They left. We don't know, man. Time to see the boss, yes?"
And then we walked in to meet the head goblin, slammed and barred *his* door from the inside, and killed him. We then lined up all the AOE while the goblin helpers were trying to bust in on us, yanked the doors as they were trying to break them down, and then froze them, set them on fire, blasted them with holy light, and put knives and arrows into their eyes.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-03-23 04:49 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-03-23 06:20 pm (UTC)PC2: "Dragons get married?"
[The dragon turns and stares at him]
PC2: "What? I'm a Dwarf. I live in a mountain. We don't hear these things."
[The dragon raises an eyebrow]
PC2: "Uh.... I'm a human. I live in a mountain. We don't hear these things."
Epic win
(no subject)
Date: 2009-03-23 07:12 pm (UTC)Like, he promised them them 1000GP each for their help - and gave it to them in two gargantuan gems, meaning they couldn't actually divide up the money and split up. They pretty much *had* to go to the nearest *large* town to have a prayer of finding anyone who could make change. Meaning, if he discovered they'd done anything to piss him off and just hidden it until they left, he'd know
A) where they were going
B) that they were all still together, unless someone wanted to give up their share.
As well, he looked at the bunch of them, and promptly disqualified the Paladin, Ranger, and Cleric of a LG god, then picked from among the rest at random to surreptitiously tell those obviously-LG three that "That guy? He offered me half your shares back if I killed you for him. You're lucky I like humans" - for no reason other than to be a dick about things.