Revenge Of The Son Of The Quotes File!

[theweaselking]

Game #1!

On bad luck:
PC1: "It occurs to me that my bad luck may stem from using a dice box from a place that was destroyed by a volcano."

On bad mapping:
PC2: "That looks like a tetris penis!"
DM: "Yes. It is a Tetris Penis, and it is coming rubble all over the wall. It is definitely not a fallen tree"
PC3: "Hee. Tetris penis."

PC3: "I miss."
DM: "You missed! It shifts 3, gives that guy 10 tempHP, then charges the paladin! +23 vs AC, 9 damage and you're knocked prone!"
PC3: "Holy crap, that's a MINION?"
Me: "Important safety tip, everyone: Don't miss those!"

PC2: "Snakes from another plane!"

This was actually a serious bit of conversation:
PC1: "What about INSIDE snake?"
Me: "Inside snake is inside."
PC1: "Oh."

DM: "I learned the secrets of crafting from Guardian Qwor, who died before he told me where the skymetal is."
PC1: "Like, what, midsentence?"

DM: "They are lost somewhere in the world to me!"
Me: "Well, they haven't shown up anywhere else. So they've gotta be here somewhere."
PC2: "Is there a bar? Did you check it?"

PC1: "We'll follow the Via Notgetkilledia!"

Upon finding a magical gem that is critical to The Plot:
Me, playing the Ranger: "I can see through TIME!"
Everyone else: "GIVE US THAT!"

Me: "Shaken Eladrin Syndrome is where you get Quicklings"

Mocking poor printed-adventure expository writing:
DM: "There is a room here. It is full of bread. You feel an ominous sense of forboding."

PC3: "Can we take that boat instead? Because ours kind of looks like a penis."

On linguistics:
DM: "Look. As time progresses, more and more words in the english language mean 'penis'"

PC1, attempting to chant and wave to make the DM roll badly: "I'm trying to curse you, will you just roll the die?"
DM: "You get the D10 of doom UP THE NOSE."

On the fact that the Ranger's solution to everything is "crossbow"
Me: "It is a single-function gadget, much like banana-slicers."

Moradin: "This is why we can't have nice things, Kord."

After rolling a 20 on a knowledge check:
DM: "She is astounded by your knowledge!"
Me: "So am I!"

On smack-talking a villain.
PC2: "AND she's ugly."

On poor adventure design, part 2:
DM: "Giant kayaks. Carved from ice. With sails."

On plans, foiled:
DM: "I was like, these guys don't push, pull, or... " BAMF "...SHIT!"



Game #2, wherein PC1 is now DM and DM is now PC4.

DM: "I used to be the innocent one, until people caught on."

DM: "It's like a lobotomy."
PC2: "For your soul."
Me: "A lobotomy for your soul. How appealing."

On proper female-lower-planar-creature identification:
PC4: "Look, there's only two options. Is it birdlike? Yes, Erinyes. No, Succubus."

DM: "PC4, I need you to raise your head off the table, look me in the eyes, and tell me where you hide your teapots."

On a complete lack of all context:
Me: "It's a teaching moment involving my vagina!"

On the Purple Worm Incident:
PC5: "We are NOT a food bank for worms!"

Me: "I'm pretty sure you can go around me, it's a big worm."

PC4: "I'm INSIDE the worm. I have Prime Shot."
PC2: "Hell hath no fury like a woman swallowed."

PC3: "I have a penis! Miniature, incorrect, but a penis!"

On discussing past games:
DM: "I don't think the catgirl had fur, either. It was a robot, after all."

While looking for sewers to escape the hordes from the skies:
PC3: "It's raining men?"
Me: "It's raining POD PEOPLE."
PC2: "Brings new meaning to 'finding a manhole'."

PC4: "I've already sold my soul to someone else, sorry."

On describing the Warforged Barbarian:
PC2: "Made of metal, wearing Hide"
PC4: "He's trying to be a person!"

PC5: "It's telepathic! Who makes a telepathic robot, that's great!"

On discussion of Peter Pan rules:
PC5: "I DON'T believe in aboleths! I DON'T believe in aboleths!"

Things that do not require context:
DM: "You can't telnet into the duke!"

Important life lessons:
PC2: "When your baby turns evil, set it on fire."

DM: "There is one tiny flickering candle of light in a universe of all-consuming darkness"
PC4: "It's on my head"

I don't actually remember who said this one or why:
"Take off all your clothes and surrender, you will be given food."

Ring the bell, the amazons come running:
PC2: "Chase just made it rain women! This is his NEW FAVOURITE BELL."

On inappropriate PCs:
PC2: "Man, the Son of God is a logisitical nightmare"
DM: "Extreme sports Jesus! He falls through a woodchipper on the side of the track and they're all 'oh, that's okay, he'll be back in three days."
Me: "Welcome to Jesusburger, may I take your order?"

PC4: "Woad takes FOREVER to apply."
DM: "It's a lot faster than armor!"
Me: "Much less effective, though!"

I don't know:
PC4: "We're assuming some kind of sports bra made of screaming faces, here."



Finally, Game #3, wherein PC2 is DM and PC1 is actually someone different:

On dropping Orcs from tall places:
PC4: "It's like a vat of green stroganoff exploded!"

DM: "I need to steal Kalad back from you for a moment. There's descriptive text on his back."
PC1: "So, you lift the dwarf's shirt, and...."
PC3: "Hairy dwarf man-boobs!"
Me: "On his BACK?"

DM: "If the valves are open, you can flood the nexus with boiling water."
Me: "We don't know where the other adventurers are."
PC1: "I had considered this!"

DM: "You do 0 damage. Then halve it."

Sometime around here the group's complete lack of a regular healer leads to the creation of Agamemnon Thokcrates Deophilus, Kobold Bard. It's exactly as silly as it sounds[1]. He has a greatsword[2].

On the problems of going back to the home plane after picking up new PCs somewhere else:
DM: "Do you guys hang out together?"
Me: "I don't know anyone else on this planet!"

On the habits of PCs to get back together in a hurry after downtime when something interesting happens.
DM: "The Bard LITERALLY pops out of the very first shadow. 'A Quest! I haven't been stalking you, honest!'"
Me: "I actually might have been."

On morality:
Me: "Hey, I have a great sense of duty towards my fellow human beings. I simply have a definition of 'fellow human beings' that doesn't include many humans!"



Previous posts here!



[1]: And yet, a surprisingly effective build. It's one thing I really like about D&D4 that wasn't present in *any* version of D&D previous: there are multiple ways to build anything, and it's HARD to build something completely terrible.

[2]: Oh, very well, a "Kobold Greatsword" - a Bastard Sword, wielded in two hands.

Comments

[lurkerwithout.livejournal.com]

There is NOTHING silly about a kobold bard. I run one in a Kingdoms of Kalamar play-by-post 3.x game. Well, he's a Learned Bard, which is like the regular one but INT instead of CHA based...

[theweaselking.livejournal.com]

I made a Valourous Bard. Charisma/Constitution, "multiclass Swordmage" (I took the Feat that makes my Greatsword an Implement. I wanted to ACTUALLY MC Swordmage, but then I couldn't use the sword for Bard powers, and screw that), and the fact that I've got a weapon *and* an Implement equipped at all times lets me have a wide selection of tricks for all occasions. Oh, and Kobolds can Shift as a minor action, which is just swank.

I spray temp HP in all directions on all my allies.