"I will stab you and poop in the wound!" and other Kobold Warcries.

[theweaselking]

PC3: "Am I supposed to have 16 teeth?"

PC2: "I have a big enough axe to make this work!"

PC3: "When I crit he leaves this plane of existence."
DM: "He exploded"
PC3: "That too!"

PC2: "What kind of damage is it?"
DM: "Just plain damage damage."
Me: "You were hit by a comet. They're blunt."

On relative importance of NPCs:
DM: "Look, you see how his name is like 8 words long? You don't hit him on a 2"

Me: "I have an idea!"
DM: "Aren't you unconscious?"
Me: "I am, but I have an idea!"
DM: "...okay, it's your turn."
Me: "I catch fire and die."
DM: "Wait, what?"

Me: "The 'naginata of wisdom' would normally mean not attaching the spear to the end of the staff."

PC3: "This is like glueing 6 wands together and rigging them to rotate"
DM: "Make 'em wands of wonder, and you'll be all "fireball, fireball, lightning bolt, fireball, owl..."

PC1: "It's a birthday cake! For the god of chaos!"

DM: "Its a filigree golem of Orcus!"
PC1: "You hollowed him out!"
PC2: "Its an improvements"
Me: "Its decorative!"
PC2: "Robo-Orcus."
Me: "Mecha-Orcus!"
DM: "The sphere is inserted from behind."
PC1: "I'm flashing back to the Goatse cake!"
PC3: "I'm ... uh.... this is not the end scene I was expecting! I mean, they insert the vibrating orb into the man-goats rear, and...."
DM: "You guys suck. The golem comes to life and attacks."


PC3, writing down treasure: "Terror longsword..."
PC1: "Spell it with a P!"
PC3: "You can't spell... wait... NO."
PC1: "But a carnivorous sword with wings would be awesome."

On the Draft Bear pulling a cart
Me: "It has huge claws!"
PC2: "They're for eating Dire Berries."
PC1: "I want Direberry wine!"
PC3: "Hair Of The Dog would be nasty."

On dire fruit:
PC3: "It's a tomato that can punch out a cat!"

On the unfortunate results of critical hit tables on pregnancy:
PC5: "You know you're giving birth to a future adventurer when you're all 'the baby is kicking! Natural 20! KABOOM!'"

Me: "BEARS DO NOT HAVE A CLOACA!"

On Udo Kier and his making the movie "Spermula":
PC3: "For european actors, starring in porn is like military service."
PC1: "Regimented and demanding?"

On clicking on the wrong link while surfing a minis website, and getting "gnoll":
PC5: "That succubus is kinda hairy for me."

On lousy descriptions in preprinted flavour text:
Me: "An elf wearing a short green and brown tunic and holding a bow steps out, and..."
PC3: "I can't help but notice he's not wearing pants."
Me, checking description again: ".... he's not wearing pants!"
PC1: "I'm sorry, have we interrupted something?"
Me: "He's, uh, 'holding a bow'"

Me: "You stare at the elf until he grows pants."
PC5: [slurping noise..... POP]


PC5: "We oppose the iron ring!"
PC3: "You oppose safe bridges everywhere?"
PC5: "Huh?"
Me: "The villains are the iron circle mercenaries, from the iron keep. An iron ring is the thing that I'm wearing on my finger."

PC5: "I spent my childhood on drugs and being sent into battle for the glory of Bahamut."

PC3: "Bahamut is basically the trope definer for Crystal Dragon Jesus"
PC5: "Yeah. The main difference between Jesus, Aslan, and Bahamut is that Bahamut didn't die..... wait, that's it! That's the answer! We must SACRIFICE Bahamut for our sins!"
PC3: "This is why we say your character is from a CULT."

PC1: "I spent my childhood on another plane in a wonderful palace waiting hand and foot on a Djinn who loved me very much. *I* am normal."

PC3: "I'm the anti-Rapunzel"
Me: "You throw your hair into towers?"
PC3: "....Yes, and then the prince pulls me up."

PC5: "Do you guys have a problem with Bahamut? 'Cause he's AWESOME."
PC2: "Maybe you shouldn't talk."

Me: "You're wearing a frog as a tutu."
PC1: "I go berserk."

PC2: "I'm an elf. I was raised by wolves!"
Me: "Other than stabbing things, what are your skills?"
PC2: "I run down deer, in a pack!"
Me: "Please tell me you took the Nature skill"
PC2: "No"
PC3: "There's a reason he no longer runs with wolves"
PC5: "They fired him! For incompetence!"

PC5: "Go back to hell!"
Me: "It's a frog! Frogs don't come from hell!"
PC1: "That's just what they want you to think."

Comments

[pappy-legba.livejournal.com]

I was unfamiliar with the term 'crystal dragon jesus,' but now I wonder how I got along without it.

[eatsoylentgreen.livejournal.com]

these are wonderful. Man I wish I was roleplaying.

[twilightbloo.livejournal.com]

Was catching fire and dying the first step of a large and cunning plan, the result of rolling a 1, or just a means to deprive the GM of the pleasure of killing you?

[theweaselking.livejournal.com]

It was step 1 of the plan!

(there's a "once per day, when you are dying or dead, you can..." effect on a Phoenix Ring. You are consumed in flames and turn to ash, then reappear in a bigass explosion mostly healed.)

[lafinjack.livejournal.com]

PC3: "This is like glueing 6 wands together and rigging them to rotate"
DM: "Make 'em wands of wonder, and you'll be all "fireball, fireball, lightning bolt, fireball, owl..."

Reminds me of an engineering monstrosity from You Awaken In Razor Hill.

[drhoz.livejournal.com]

XD - I suspect the crew at the Quote of the Week thread at the HERO forums would love these :)

[wyldsatyr.livejournal.com]

Eladrin! Elves are our hilbilly cousins! *grumps*

[jerril]

Seriously. We kicked those pantsless freaks out for a reason.

[dglenn.livejournal.com]

Er ... I see the tunic and pants combo occasionally, but usually when I see someone in a tunic they're either wearing tights or barelegged. With a short tunic, I'd expect tights and a codpiece. (None of mine are that short. And I never wear trousers with 'em, but often tights.) When I do see pants with a tunic, it's usually Viking, I think (or maybe some early Celts?) -- I don't picture elves wearing pants. But maybe RPG fashion is different from how folks I see in person tend to dress. There could be many reasons for that.

[theweaselking.livejournal.com]

Apparently our collective mental image of "tunic" is "glorified shirt". And while leggings or tights or something would have worked, the only description we had was "short tunic". Once she pointed out "uh, that description could mean he's naked from the waist down", nobody could un-see it.

And this was funnier.

[dreamshade.livejournal.com]

On dire fruit:
PC3: "It's a tomato that can punch out a cat!"

...I am going to give an artist $5 to sketch this.

[aeduna.livejournal.com]

*eyes tag*
...'deadlands'.... ?

[theweaselking.livejournal.com]

That was my tag for the gamer quotes file back when we were playing Deadlands. I haven't bothered changing it.

[moiread]

You should. Change it to "and other kobold warcries".