I have seen the future.

Lorenzo de Medici: "I need some corrupt guards killed and I need it to look like an accident."

Me, walks up to guard in crowded market and grabs him in a headlock, dragging him towards a well: "HELLO do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Saviour HAHAHA SNEAK ATTACK TOSSED YOU DOWN A WELL!"

Guard: [faint muffled splash, glub, blippy interface noise of combat ending because all enemies are now underwater and sinking]

Me, doing a victory dance on the lip of the well, in his best Ducky voice: "Guard go down the hooooooole"

Crowd of 40+ civilians: [shocked stares]

Me, drawing a sword, shouting: "He was drunk and fell in on his own. I was never here."

Crowd of 40+ civilians: "He was drunk and fell on his his own. What assassin? We will probably never notice the dead body in our water supply."

Me, running off, shoving people and tearing up "wanted" posters with my face on them: "Yay!"

Lorenzo de Medici: "Excellent work, here's a bonus for keeping it quiet."

(Assassin's Creed 2)

torrain: "Look, when CASSIDY is making better life choices than you are, you're fucked.

Me: HIT HER WITH A SHOVEL.
torrain: I can't object to that.

me: "I have just moved about 80kg of lead. Lead is heavy."

torrain: "What were you doing with 80kg of lead?"

me: "Throwing it away. Because who needs 80kg of lead?"

torrain: "No-one, but who has it in the first place?"

me: "I did. Which is why I had to move it."


I am the most helpful conversationalist.

"Look, tell the auditor that no, we cannot protect the machine from a legitimate root user who suddenly becomes malicious, and if he thinks about that for a minute he can probably figure out why."

"Uh, dude? 'Just stick that drive in a different machine and recover the data' may be a LITTLE harder than anticipated."

Hello adopted child who I have just picked up off the street with a promise of candy, and welcome to your new home! I am your new mother and I love you. Come in, come in! This is the main hallway, which is full of dead animals that stare at you. That heavily armed person over there staring at you while he sharpens a giant axe, who only speaks in grunts, is the Steward. He will be responsible for your education!

The east wing of the house is an unlocked trophy room full of dangerous artifacts, like that one right there. That's the Wabbajack, it's a magic wand that turns things into other things, at random. Mommy got it from the god of insanity, who is Mommy's friend. If you touch it he might speak to you!

In the north wing is Mommy's lab, full of things that are delicious and things that will explode or kill you, or both! That's where I keep all the potables. And the poisons! None of them are labelled! It's also where we prepare dinner because I didn't build a kitchen. The only spoon in the house is actually a fork.

Over here in the east wing are the living quarters! You get your very own chest to store things! I've pre-stocked it with the personal diaries of a notorious serial killer and a copy of all the different contracts on my life that have been taken out in the last few months. There's a LOT of reading material there! The chest is also full of severed ears. Mommy takes those from elves.

Oh, and this is your new younger brother Aventus. Say hello! Aventus is my other foster child. It's a funny story how we met - he performed an ancient and profane ritual to summon an assassin, me, to kill his previous foster family! So I did, then I brought him here. You two are going to get along JUST FINE. You share a bedroom! You're going to sleep within arm's reach of each other! Now, I have a gift for each of you: You get 1000 gold to use for ANYTHING you want. Aventus gets this magical knife, made from the heart of a demon, that steals souls.

Don't go in the basement.

Me: "I'm watching a movie, and someone just said 'I could be bounded in a nutshell and count myself a king of infinite space, were it not that I have bad dreams.' Who's the speaker?"

torrain: "Hamlet!"

Me: "Nope! Freddy Kreuger."

torrain: "...."

Me: "You forgot he has an education too, didn't you."

torrain has just received a computer upgrade, replacing her 6yo repurposed rendering workstation (a GREAT machine! Six years ago.) with a 2014 gaming PC. This means that now she can start Skyrim with *all* the graphical bells and whistles set to 100% and it still runs way smoother than it did on crap settings before.

And her wandering the area staring at All The Pretty has prompted this:

torrain: "They're discussing the important political ramifications of the Jarl's escape for the rebellion, and I'm not listening. I'm all 'Waterfall! So pretty! Ants, look at the ants on the tree stump!'"

me: "Dammit, Moon-Moon."

Me: "Nerd thought: Assuming Raven failed and the Reckoners were never released, all of Stephen King's work[1] fits in Deadlands."

torrain: "...HAH! Randall Flagg and Sunlight Gardner and the creepy little town Jack had to go through in the Talisman and Derry and It and..."

Me: "And the heroes doing a little bit of magic themselves. Little Danny Torrance, learning how to deal with the manitous and keep them from riding him. The kids from It, and their rituals.
And, y'know, the occasional vampire infestation."

torrain: "Those things happen.
...the Shop."

me: "Castle Rock has a Fear Level, and things can tell."


[1]: We do not speak of The D**k T***r in our house.